No fun Nazi.

So, I’m what one MIGHT call an ‘’over protective mother’’.

(Hey, gimme a break. She almost died at 9 days old. Had apnea for the first 6 months of her life, and then started having seizures that were because of a BRAIN TUMOR until she was 4. Anything I can do to make life easier, I’m gunna do!)

There are many things that Jordan is and isn’t allowed to do. I was asked WHY on one of my parenting choices (not allowing her to have a popsicle in my car) So I thought I would explain my thought process on this.

"Let her do it! Let her have fun!" are you going to clean up my kid? Are you going to bring her down off her sugar rush? I didn't think so. bite me.

Without any further ado, the ‘’weird’’ things Jordan ISNT allowed to have!!!

 

1.       Popsicles

Pretty sure popsicles were just put on this earth to drive me UP THE WALL. My cousin gives them to her boys like they are going out of style. And they love it. I remember when I was little my aunt used to give us those freezer pop things ALL the time. And we loved it. So why, you ask, do I deny my daughter this basic human right? BECAUSE THEY ARE STICKY AND MESSY and I HATE THEM. And they aren’t just going to get my daughter messy. Oh no. they are going to turn her purple, and get her and EVERYTHING ELSE sticky and PURPLE. Even the things that there is no WAY that they should get sticky and purple. They are going to.

 

2.       Sandboxes

 

First off, who the hell knows what you’re going to find in the now a days. Id be happy if it was only cat poop I had to worry about…

Not only are they full of who knows what, they are a f-ing MESS. That damn sand gets EVERYWHERE that the POPSICLE didn’t.

So, let’s just say were at someone’s house. And they have the dreaded sandbox in their back yard. Jordan is going to beg. Jordan is going to plead. Jordan is going to argue. Jordan is going to cry and negotiate and be a miserable little sod until I let her get in the damn thing. Well, generally I stick to my guns and sucks to be her cuz… she’s not getting in that thing.

BUT OCCASIONALLY

EVERY ONCE IN A BLUE MOON

I think ‘what the heck? It’s really not sooo bad, I’ll let her have fun in it this time’

BAD CASEY! *SMACK* DON’T DO IT! IT’S A TRAP!

She will play in the thing for about 10 minutes (insert me nagging at her here… PUT THAT DOWN! DON’T THROW SAND! STOP EATING THAT!!) before she gets bored. And then, she will move on to the next thing.

 

BUT ITS NOT OVER THERE. Not even close. Once we get home is when the real FUN starts. Because her clothes are FULL of sand. Her socks, her pants, her shirt, her underware… its EVERYWHERE. To the point where she basically needs a damn bath. So she gets in the tub and upon washing her hair we discover… THE LOST SAND OF KILIMANJARO IN HER DAMN HAIR! Seriously. Pretty sure a small camel could live quite happily on the amount of sand this child managed to get in her hair. Was she doing handstands and I didn’t notice? So after wash, rinse repeat…and repeat… and repeat… shes finally clean and I am exhausted.

 

I don’t mind sand at the beach ( I mean, I DO, but I understand that its all part of the experience and its fun and I deal with it) or Petes moms moon sand table. Jordan cant physically sit IN the thing, so its fun and non-messy.

 

 I just LOATHE sandboxes….

 

3.       Anything ELSE that is STICKY.

See rant on popsicles. This includes:

Suckers

CANDY CANES (ahem… Hannah…)

Candy… in general im not a fan…

Chocolate

Cotton candy

Ice cream

 

I do let her have the above mentioned items, but in moderation. Y’all thought I was health conscious… nope… just don’t want to deal with that crap.

 

4.       Cheetos.

If I wanted my daughter to look like an oompa loompa id have hit up one of the hotties from ‘Charlie and the Chocolate factory’. Or jersey shore. But I didn’t.

The tricky part? THEY ARE JORDANS FAVORITE. So we have to be very… diplomatic… when it comes to Cheetos. The following questions are generally helpful:

Are we in the car?

Are we wearing any sort of light color?

Are we able to wash IMMEDIATLEY AFTERWARDS?

Will we be touching mom at any point during the period where we are eating Cheetos?

How much has mom had to drink today?

 

 

Plus, they really ARENT all that good for her...

 

5.       Monster High Dolls or bratz.

I don’t like them. I don’t like how they dress. I don’t like their bratty bitch attitudes in the TV shows. They dress like little miniature hookers. Pretty sure I don’t need my daughter idolizing that kind of role model.

 

 

You thought I was over exaggerating, didn’t you? Phs. Why would you think a thing like that?

 Here honey, lets watch beauty and the beast for the billionth time. See belle? Isn’t she pretty? Oh, look how SMART she is. Oh, she LOVES to READ. Oooh, look at that library… mmmm hmmm… and beast…he knows what to look for in a girl! Brains and beauty…… yeahhhh he turns into a mega hottie… and a castle? I could handle that… mmmm look how he can dance… servants? Don’t mind if I do…. yeah …

 

 

wait… what was I talking about??