I hate the park

I straight up, 100%, undeniably, without a doubt HATE the park.

Judge me all you want. I still hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate having to pack to go there, I hate all the other little kids there, I hate the drama associated with leaving.

Let me just go through this step by step..

Every once in a while I get this random hair to do stuff that’s fun with J. But since I don’t always have the money to go all out (and I LOATHE chuck e cheese… but that’s another post altogether) I have these moments of INSANITY where I think:

“What the hell? Lets go to the park! It will be fun”

No. no it will not be fun. I wish I could slap that ‘happy optimistic trying to be a good mom’ me.

We have to PACK to go to the park. Because I have a kid, and things cant just be EASY. Because WITHOUT a doubt if I DON’T bring wipes, an umbrella, a drink and a change of clothes, it will rain, Jordan will play in the mud and become somehow dehydrated. Trust me.

Finally get my shit together, get it in the car, get J in the car.

(after a 20 minute argument about what she is going to wear to the park. I vote play clothes, she wants to wear a dress. This is just STUPID. You DO NOT wear a dress and dress shoes to the park. How can you swing and slide and run in a DRESS and dress shoes? AND I DON’T CARE IF EVERYONE WILL THINK YOU ARE UGLY!**woooooo saaaaaaa**)

Get to the park. Unload my pack of shit, sadly I didn’t bring a damn Sherpa to carry it all.

Where is my kid? I TOLD HER TO STAY HERE. Oh, there she is. On the monkey bars.

JORDAN GET YOUR ASS OFF THE MONKEY BARS!

J: “But mooommmmmm, I LIKE the monkey bars! I can do them!”

Me: “no. no you cant.”

J: “Yes! I can!”

Me: “No. Last time we had this discussion and you IGNORED me and went on the monkey bars you BROKE YOUR DAMN ARM. That proves that you, in fact, CAN NOT do the monkey bars. WE WILL LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!” (half of me hopes she keeps arguing with me so we can leave… ive already realized how horrible this idea was)

I sit down on a nice bench, light up a cigarette. (hey, I am far enough away to not bother the kids with my smoke, and close enough to see Jordan. Get off my back)

Then BAM there is this freakish little girl right beside me.

Me: “Uhm hi… where is your parent?” Looks around… no parents…

Small creepy child “I HAVE TO GO POTTY”

Me: “that’s nice. You should go find your mommy.” Continues with my cigarette

SCC: “CAN YOU PUSH ME ON THE SWINGS?”

Does this child not have a volume button?

Me: “you see that little girl over there? Im HER mommy and im not even pushing HER on the swings. No. you really should go find your parents.”

SCC: *Points at my water* “CAN I HAVE SOME OF THAT??”

Me: “No.”

She pouts. I continue to ignore her. She finally leaves, heads for the small creek. Thank god.

I really don’t like random kids. I don’t even like my friends kids half the time, but ive got to deal with them so I can see my friends (yes, you donna J) I don’t even like mine half the time.

I check on J, shes found a new BEST friend and is happily playing on the swings.

I sit there for a bit longer until I remember my trashy romance novel in the car. I go grab it, and settle in for a bit. This really isn’t so ba….

J: “MOM!! I FOUND A SUCKER!”

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck….

Me: “PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!!! *runs across park, grabs sucker OUT OF HER MOUTH and throws it away. THAT IS SO GROSS! WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT? EEEEEEWWWWWWWW  JORDAN!!”

Proceed with speech about how we cant just eat food we find on the ground, or under tables. Why its bad for us, I DON’T CARE IF IT STILL TASTES GOOD…. Fml.

Go sit back down. SCC wanders by, sees me and acts like shes going to head my way, but I scare her off with a glare. Where are her parents?? I don’t really care all that much, I continue with my book and another cigarette. By this point weve been at the park a VERY VERY VERY VERY long 30 minutes and im about done with it.

I go wrangle up my small child, who OF COURSE starts to cry and try to make deals with me about WHY we should stay at the park longer. Just 5 more minutes? Just 7 more minutes? (she really doesn’t get how this works…) Until I give in and bribe her with ice cream if we can JUST LEAVE.

I get all the random crap together and lug it to the car. Im just about to get in when I notice I CANT FIND JORDAN. AGAIN.

She has run off to hug her BEST FRIEND goodbye. I yell at her to get in the damn car, and were off. After the 10 minutes it takes her to buckle up.

 

I conveniently forget to get  ice cream on the way home.

Shes covered with sand, sticky and sweaty. Which means a bath. Which is a pain in itself…

 

I really hate the park.