Han Solo lookin' bitches...

So. Jordan’s ‘Fall Festival’ was last night…

I had to race to leave work, pick her up, go home and fight with her about her stupid Elsa costume, do her hair (MOMMMMM THAT’S NOT WHAT ELSAS HAIR LOOKS LIKE! MY POOF ISNT BIG ENOUGH! HERS GOES IN A CIRCLE!) Go to TWO gas stations so I could use the ATM, consequently get into one verbal altercation with a black woman after I called her useless, and then fly over to her school.

Of course, Will and Becky (the only people in Raeford I know and like) were, at this point, just leaving. Because they are assholes. Just kidding Becky J

Anyway… it was horrible. It was the stupidest thing in the history of man. And that is only a SLIGHT exaggeration.

The games were stupid. The food was horrible. Jordan spilled caramel down her VERY EXPENSIVE Elsa dress… woooo saaa…. WHAT KIND OF MORONS SERVE CARAMEL AROUND CHILDREN? Evil ones.

I am not going to pay $1 for you to read my child a story. Or for you to give her a tootsie roll. (And by ‘I’m not going to pay” what I mean is “I am going to pay, but I am going to bitch via blog about it later”)

I understand it was for a good cause, which is why we went… but couldn’t they put a little more effort into it? Or a little more alcohol? I’m just sayin…. I’d have enjoyed some alcohol. The other parents definitely looked like they needed it…

 

And do not get me started on all the other moms.

Let me preface this by saying IN GENERAL most of the women around here do not work. IN GENERAL they do not have to. So they are stay at home military wives with nothing better to do than make wreaths via Pinterest and shop etsy for cute scarves. (In general… Becky and Nikki this excludes you two. And a few others.)

They all had on their boots and leggings and sweaters and sideways purses… the ‘basic bitch’ as I believe they are termed.

 

They all looked like han solo… but not hot like Harrison ford…

 

 

 

I was in my chucks, jeans that had gotten dirty at work during an eviction, my bruins tee shirt, and I’m pretty sure my hair wasn’t exactly ‘’clean’’….

I did not fit in with them in any way, shape or form. I was not there at my child’s beck and call, I yelled at her for not sharing her caramel apple with me (instead of buying her another one).

 I chased her around with a skeleton arm and played keep-away with her balloon.

I did not make small talk with the other moms and try to verbally out do each other about after school programs, my kids grades or the fact that we only eat organic (ha).

 I didn’t try to get to know her teacher (ive got issues with her… but that’s for another time…) and suck up.

 Nope. I had fun with my kid. Well, as much fun as could be had, about the same to stubbing your toe…

 

And the moms that weren’t like that, were the exact OPPOSITE. Either they were stuck up bitch lookin, or they looked like crack whores. I’m not kidding you!

This one little girl walked around with a spider web stuck to her butt the entire time, and her mom did nothing about it. It was something that would have embarrassed the hell out of me… Then she fell down, and her mom YELLED at her, while she was still on the ground, for getting her (goodwill) princess dress dirty! Then proceeded to make a scene when the little girl started to cry, and bribed her with pizza, which she then didn’t.

We about got into it right then and there. But I snuck her a piece of pizza, so it’s ok.

I don’t fit in with the high maintenance moms, I don’t fit in with the crack whore moms… I guess I'm just somewhere in the middle, doing my own thing, making sure my kid doesn’t die and is relatively clean…

And this is why I look like hell today...

So.

Last night was… rough.

To say the least.

J is going through this complete asshole phase where she CANT sleep alone in her own damn bed.

Which sadly coincides with MY phase of “Fuck no you are not sleeping with me.”

This has always been an issue with her.

Let me give some background here. Jordan had apnea when she was born. IE, stopped breathing in her sleep. She almost died. Then, as if that wasn’t fun enough, she started having SIEZURES. Needless to say, I was a very obsessive young mother. And her apnea alarm sounded like a FIRE TRUCK. So it was just easier to have her sleep with me.

Her waste of space father was never home, so that wasn’t an issue. When she was almost 4 we moved into a different house and I had just gotten her to sleep in her own bed when…. BAM. Peeping tom at our house. I was freaked out, she was freaked out… it was, once again, just easier for her to sleep with me.

We moved to NC, and essentially had to share a bedroom. I didn’t always want to sleep on the futon, so we shared a bed…

Fast forward to now… Im in a relationship with someone who has never lived with kids before. He is doing REALLY well, but the whole ‘Jordan snuggling in bed’’ thing is just a bit too much for him. He doesn’t get that this is a perfectly normal thing, and WAY understandable considering the past… (sorry boo, I love you but its true)

 

She has been struggling with this since we moved. Generally I can placate her by tucking her in and snuggling for a minute or two, but the last month or so have been HELL.

It starts at 750 when I tell her its time to get ready for bed. The waterworks start (and boy does this little girl know how to play me!)

“but will you tuck me in?”

“but will you snuggle with me?”

“but what if I get scared?”

“back when we lived in Wisconsin…”

“can I just sleep with you?”

 

It has been getting progressively worse.

My mom came to visit this weekend and I made Jordan sign a paper stating that:

“I will not have a fit about sleeping by myself, going to bed, not snuggling. Nor will I ask to sleep with mom after grandma comes”

BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE AN ISSUE.

 

Yep. Sure as shit, last night….

She bawled on her way to bed, but then fell asleep relatively quickly. I woke up at 12 to pee, went and checked on her and she was good.

 

MY FIRST MISTAKE

She comes into my room at 1215….

“Mommy?... I had a scary dream…”

Now at this point, im still patient and willing to go tuck her back into bed… I get her all snuggly, turn on a light for her, get her stuffed animal and think were good to go…

 

I get back to my room, fight with a sleeping bear for some space and have just gotten comfortable.

 

 

12:30

*knock knock knock* “Mommy? I had another bad dream….”

"J, you haven’t even had a chance to go back to sleep. Please go back in your room and go to sleep."

 

1:05

*knock…*

"GET BACK IN BED."

 

1:32

*knock knock knock*

"What do you want Jordan?''

''I cant sleep…''

''GET BACK IN YOUR BED RIGHT NOW AND DON’T GET OUT''

 

2:07

(SCREAMING FROM ACROSS THE HOUSE) ''MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY! IM SCARED! ITS ME, JORDAN! MOMMY, CAN YOU HEAR ME? MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!''

I get out of bed, and MARCH my grouchy sleepy ass down the hall to deal with my child. All the lights are on. I turn them off, get her back in bed and threaten her

“If you don’t go to sleep im going to spank you. Don’t get up. Don’t come in my room. Don’t scream at me from across the house. GO TO BED.”

 

I get back to my room and pete is in the MIDDLE of the bed and WILL NOT move over. Now waking pete is like waking the dead. Maybe harder. I yell. I shove. I pushed. Nada.

I eventually was able to get him over so I had about a foot of space when….

 

*knock knock*

''WHAT.''

''Im scared… I heard a noise…''

''GET BACK IN BED''

 

I lay down.

WHAM. ELBOW TO THE HEAD

Me: “Ouch!”

Pete” hmmmzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

 

*Knock Knock*....

 

It went on like this for HOURS.

Jordan got TWO spankings.

I slept on 6 inches of space and I was placed in a chokehold while aforementioned sleeping bear wanted to ‘cuddle’….

It went a little like this....

 

Per one of his friends who I am NOT quoting due to legal issues, I should just “wake him up and have him move”….. yeah right.

 

 

Tonight im sleeping in my car.