Summer vacation...

When did summer vacation stop being about doing nothing and all about always doing something? I'm fucking serious. As a kid that’s what it was about. Not doing a damn thing for 3 months. And if we went to the dells, HELLS YEAH! Yet Jordan seems to think that everyday should be jam packed with super-fun activities.

 

WHAT THE SHIT?

I have a love/hate relationship with summer vacation. There just isn’t enough money to do all the awesome fun outings id like to do. Camping, Disney world, amusement parks, trips EVERYWHERE… etc etc… and I don’t have enough PTO for that anyway. AND when we DO go do something, all she can do is complain about it being hot outside and wanting to go inside and watch TV! This shouldn't make me feel bad, yet it does.

AGAIN, I ASK WUUUUT THE SHIT?

Every summer, I feel little guilty about how bored I get trying to make sure she isnt too bored, and she whines about being bored. Let me stop you now, before you tell me that it’s not my job to entertain her 24/7. I fucking know this. Sheesh…that’s not the point. I want to provide her with some entertainment. And learning. And quality time. Because that's what good parents do and I'm a good fucking parent!

ASSHOLE.

The point is that I feel bad about how cranky the quantity of time makes me, which makes me sort of an asshole too, so don't feel bad that I just called you an asshole. I can't help it. I have a lot on my plate you know. Just because J is off for a bajilion days in a row doesn't mean that I have the time off! And trust me, I do NOT feel like I have to entertain them 24/7 and I don't. That's not where my guilt comes from.

Anyway, it’s the amount of time I have to spend with her that kills me. And she’s only six.  The truth is that I get bored when doing too much shit with her, and I feel bad about that. I do! I shouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean I don’t. Too much togetherness is just that – too much. And then Jordan wants to do ‘’crafts’’ and shit. Like this…

REALLY DIFFICULT CRAFT LINK HERE

and this

 

see how it says 'beginner'? Fucking lies.

and im just like… no. just… no. what the FUCK makes you think I can DO that? I fuck up when I BRAID your hair… here, watch me make a knot… ok now im done.

hell, I pretended we didn’t have ingredients for her easy bake oven for like… 3 months. You know what ingredients that thing calls for? Water. That’s it. But it’s a PAIN IN MY ASS and its not even rewarding cuz those cookies taste like SHIT. What evil bastard bought her an easy bake? Sure as shit wasn’t me. Thanks for that Kayla.

Simple? You know what's simple? Coloring with fucking crayons. Quietly.

How about a tutorials that show how much wine im going to need to drink after spending an hour at the craft store trying to find all the shit to make this shit and then spending another hour realizing we have NO idea what to do with any of the shit? AND how much im going to need after dealing with Jordan's complaining because there is NO WAY I CAN MAKE THOSE THINGS?

HOW MUCH WINE?

DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON FROZEN. FUCK FROZEN. Biggest mistake of my LIFE. (don’t tell Pete I actually admitted that) There was a time I REALLY liked frozen. I liked all the characters and the songs and Elsa was the SHIT. BUT I have seen that god damn movie around 87 times in the last MONTH and I am DONE WITH IT. Thanks a lot J, you ruined it for me.

What's that? Do I want to hear you sing ‘Let it go’ again? Sure… SMH….

Fuck. I need more wine.

NO I AM NOT!

 

FUCK YOU, ELSA AND ANNA AND OLAF AND ALL YOU OTHER FROZEN FUCKS!

Except kristoff. he's still adorable.

Thank gods for camp. Campy-camp, campish, camp, CAAAAAAAAMP! I pay THEM to entertain her. Too bad it isn't overnight…! And then she wants me to do MORE things with her when I get home after work! NO. that’s what I pay THEM for. You were just at the park for 6 hours and Im in heels, its hot as balls and … just no.

UGH! The child... I’m losing sleep because I keep waking up paranoid that she’s going to come into my room with some other BS excuse about not being able to sleep. It’s been happening on a REGULAR basis. Oh, and then there are constant requests for money now. SHES SIX. What the hell does she need MONEY for? A new Dora toy? Psh. Elsa probably.

HOW MUCH MONEY DOES SHE THINK I HAVE?

I mean if I had money, I’d be taking her places to do more things. Hell, I’d take her friends too! I wouldn’t be playing candy land and trying to bribe her to just let me sing my show tunes while in the shower in PEACE. We’d be at fucking Disney World.

FUCK.

So I guess, as usual, I’ll just do my best to be a creative, patient, rage-repressing wino again this summer and let Jordan watch a mega fuck ton of Simpsons cartoons between outings and crafting and chauffeuring's and the YMCA. With 20 years of episodes of Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie in the can, they will never run out of episodes to watch and I will enjoy watching with them!

I’m super good at television watching and snack eating and snuggling.

Which reminds that I need to find a new show to watch, since we binge watched Orange is the New Black….

 

 

 Summer vacation? You need to chill the fuck out and get back to having your something, be a lot of absolutely nothing! At least that's what I think.

No fun Nazi.

So, I’m what one MIGHT call an ‘’over protective mother’’.

(Hey, gimme a break. She almost died at 9 days old. Had apnea for the first 6 months of her life, and then started having seizures that were because of a BRAIN TUMOR until she was 4. Anything I can do to make life easier, I’m gunna do!)

There are many things that Jordan is and isn’t allowed to do. I was asked WHY on one of my parenting choices (not allowing her to have a popsicle in my car) So I thought I would explain my thought process on this.

"Let her do it! Let her have fun!" are you going to clean up my kid? Are you going to bring her down off her sugar rush? I didn't think so. bite me.

Without any further ado, the ‘’weird’’ things Jordan ISNT allowed to have!!!

 

1.       Popsicles

Pretty sure popsicles were just put on this earth to drive me UP THE WALL. My cousin gives them to her boys like they are going out of style. And they love it. I remember when I was little my aunt used to give us those freezer pop things ALL the time. And we loved it. So why, you ask, do I deny my daughter this basic human right? BECAUSE THEY ARE STICKY AND MESSY and I HATE THEM. And they aren’t just going to get my daughter messy. Oh no. they are going to turn her purple, and get her and EVERYTHING ELSE sticky and PURPLE. Even the things that there is no WAY that they should get sticky and purple. They are going to.

 

2.       Sandboxes

 

First off, who the hell knows what you’re going to find in the now a days. Id be happy if it was only cat poop I had to worry about…

Not only are they full of who knows what, they are a f-ing MESS. That damn sand gets EVERYWHERE that the POPSICLE didn’t.

So, let’s just say were at someone’s house. And they have the dreaded sandbox in their back yard. Jordan is going to beg. Jordan is going to plead. Jordan is going to argue. Jordan is going to cry and negotiate and be a miserable little sod until I let her get in the damn thing. Well, generally I stick to my guns and sucks to be her cuz… she’s not getting in that thing.

BUT OCCASIONALLY

EVERY ONCE IN A BLUE MOON

I think ‘what the heck? It’s really not sooo bad, I’ll let her have fun in it this time’

BAD CASEY! *SMACK* DON’T DO IT! IT’S A TRAP!

She will play in the thing for about 10 minutes (insert me nagging at her here… PUT THAT DOWN! DON’T THROW SAND! STOP EATING THAT!!) before she gets bored. And then, she will move on to the next thing.

 

BUT ITS NOT OVER THERE. Not even close. Once we get home is when the real FUN starts. Because her clothes are FULL of sand. Her socks, her pants, her shirt, her underware… its EVERYWHERE. To the point where she basically needs a damn bath. So she gets in the tub and upon washing her hair we discover… THE LOST SAND OF KILIMANJARO IN HER DAMN HAIR! Seriously. Pretty sure a small camel could live quite happily on the amount of sand this child managed to get in her hair. Was she doing handstands and I didn’t notice? So after wash, rinse repeat…and repeat… and repeat… shes finally clean and I am exhausted.

 

I don’t mind sand at the beach ( I mean, I DO, but I understand that its all part of the experience and its fun and I deal with it) or Petes moms moon sand table. Jordan cant physically sit IN the thing, so its fun and non-messy.

 

 I just LOATHE sandboxes….

 

3.       Anything ELSE that is STICKY.

See rant on popsicles. This includes:

Suckers

CANDY CANES (ahem… Hannah…)

Candy… in general im not a fan…

Chocolate

Cotton candy

Ice cream

 

I do let her have the above mentioned items, but in moderation. Y’all thought I was health conscious… nope… just don’t want to deal with that crap.

 

4.       Cheetos.

If I wanted my daughter to look like an oompa loompa id have hit up one of the hotties from ‘Charlie and the Chocolate factory’. Or jersey shore. But I didn’t.

The tricky part? THEY ARE JORDANS FAVORITE. So we have to be very… diplomatic… when it comes to Cheetos. The following questions are generally helpful:

Are we in the car?

Are we wearing any sort of light color?

Are we able to wash IMMEDIATLEY AFTERWARDS?

Will we be touching mom at any point during the period where we are eating Cheetos?

How much has mom had to drink today?

 

 

Plus, they really ARENT all that good for her...

 

5.       Monster High Dolls or bratz.

I don’t like them. I don’t like how they dress. I don’t like their bratty bitch attitudes in the TV shows. They dress like little miniature hookers. Pretty sure I don’t need my daughter idolizing that kind of role model.

 

 

You thought I was over exaggerating, didn’t you? Phs. Why would you think a thing like that?

 Here honey, lets watch beauty and the beast for the billionth time. See belle? Isn’t she pretty? Oh, look how SMART she is. Oh, she LOVES to READ. Oooh, look at that library… mmmm hmmm… and beast…he knows what to look for in a girl! Brains and beauty…… yeahhhh he turns into a mega hottie… and a castle? I could handle that… mmmm look how he can dance… servants? Don’t mind if I do…. yeah …

 

 

wait… what was I talking about??

Survival tips for taking a trip with a kid.

 

While some people are choosing to write about top family vacation destinations, I decided to go the other way with this one. We have a beach trip with my boyfriends family coming up (and between trying to convince everyone I’m not completely hopeless as a parent/girlfriend, and not BLOW UP at Jordan because SHES EMBARASSING ME AND THEY ARE JUDGING ME AND I HATE DOING THIS ALL ON MY OWN WHY WONT MY CHILD BEHAVE? NO I CANT ENJOY MYSELF IM TOO BUSY TRYING TO MAINTAIN THIS KID! OF COURSE I SEEM STRESSED!! **BREAKS DOWN CRYING**…)

Hopefully I can manage to take some of my own advice.

For those of you out there who are planning an upcoming vacation with kids, bless your heart. (This is a southern expression I’ve found can have a variety of meanings… in this case, “you poor, poor dummy”) By now, on your road of parenthood, you have learned that when you go on a trip- i.e. a ‘vacation’ with a small child, it is exactly the opposite. It is NOT a vacation AT ALL.

Traveling isn’t always easy with kids. You will ALWAYS have an issue. I.e.: getting stuck in a traffic jam in Chicago in a blizzard, alone with a five month old and a dirty diaper.

There are a few rookie mistakes that I feel can be avoided, for a much saner you at the end. Less tears, more fun!

You can thank me later.

1.     Expectations. Like with men, it’s best if you just start low to begin with. Expect the worst, we like to plan our grand vacations. I’m guilty of it. I want to do 87000 things and have them all be SPECTACULAR and not be stressed at all. I HAVE to live by a schedule. I get grouchy when it’s thrown off. But when on vacation, it’s often best to throw that schedule to the wind and just go with it. There will be fights, snags and delays along the way. Just go with it. The kids are going to have to pee 3 minutes after you left the rest area. The man is going to get lost and refuse to ask for directions. The car might even break down…And anything that goes right will seem like a bonus!

2.     Travel during Nap times if you can. Car rides suck. I’ll be the first one to admit it. I’m pretty sure I’ve slept the entire way to Wisconsin as a child, because it goes FASTER when you are ASLEEP. (Sorry mom, but that drive sucks a big one.) Put those kiddos to sleep and ENJOY THE SILENCE!! Once they wake up, pray to GOD you are at your destination because the remainder of the drive/flight etc. is going to consist of gold fish crumbs EVERYWHERE, frozen songs on REPEAT and that age old question of “ARE WE THERE YET?” every 2 minutes. And no, I’m not being cliché. You try riding in a car with Jordan anywhere more than 10 minutes away and see if I’m not telling the truth.

3.     SUGAR IS THE DEVIL. Seems like a no brainer, but this one is a biggie. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT give your kids candy, chocolate, juice etc. during travel time. SEE advice #2, makes nap time a bit difficult when they are behaving like a BB in a pop can. And all that energy is bound to EXHAUST you trying to deal with it. You can give them juice, sugar, Starbucks… whatever once YOU GET THERE. As long as it is not almost bed time! Then you have a WIRED TIRED kid on your hands! And nobody’s got time for that shit.

4.     IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. I know this is your first vacation in years. I know this was something you planned and stressed over and paid for. Well, if you’re bringing the kids, be prepared to deal with the consequences. It’s not about you, it’s about THEM. And once you figure this out, you will enjoy yourself a lot more. For kids, vacation is about running around like little midget maniacs and trying to see what kinds of shenanigans they can get into. They do not understand the concept of RELAXATION. They don’t care about the white sand beaches or mommy and daddy romance time. They couldn’t give two figs about the 5 star restaurants and the exotic wine. Choose a destination that is kid friendly! Hotels, restaurants, activities… it’s all about them.

5.     DON’T LET THEM GET BORED. I know, easier said than done. But a bored kid is a destructive kid. Like a dog. They need something to do or they start to destroy crap. Like your sanity…keep their days filled with fun activities. Try to plan activities that everyone can enjoy. And that’s the key word, ACTIVITY. Get them out, EXHAUST the little buggers. Hiking, Swimming, mini golf, etc. The more they do during the day, the more they sleep at night, the more peace and quiet you get.

6.     BRING A SHERPA. Just kidding. But pack HEAVY. Kids have the attention span of a gnat. The more toys and entertainment you bring for them, the less times you have to answer ARE WE THERE YET?? Take a whole damn suitcase full of toys, batteries, coloring books, Barbie’s etc. anything you can fit into that bag! And don’t be the idiot that forgets to charge the tablet before a 4 hour drive with a 5 year old… like me. Update the apps and they will stay occupied for as long as the battery lasts! And don’t pretend like I’m a bad mom for letting Jordan’s tablet occupy her in the car. They are INTELLECTUAL games. So boo yah. And she cheats at 20 questions.

7.     If possible, BRING HELP. Parents, friends, siblings, random strangers along the side of the road… (just kidding on that last one…) They make GREAT babysitters when you’re at your wits end. And an extra pair of eyes when Jordan decides that yes, SHE CAN swim. (hint, no she can’t) As much money as you’re spending, you deserve at least ONE kid free romantic dinner with that special someone.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER: Let your kids BE KIDS. And maybe, just MAYBE you can bring your inner kid out as well and enjoy your vacation.

My two cents...

Ok so, im going to venture onto a touchy subject today…

HOBBY LOBBY.

 

I am, the last time I checked, a female. A pretty non-conservative one, at that. I like to drink. I like to swear (obviously) I don’t believe in abortion, but I DO believe a woman should have the right to choose. I believe in god, but I also believe in a separation of church and state. But on the other side of that coin, I do not think that instilling someone with religious beliefs in office is a bad thing. I believe having ANY religious beliefs makes you more accountable and in general, a better person. (note, I BELIEVE. My blog, I can say what I want)

Back to hobby lobby...

I love the store. I could spend an entire paycheck in there, and then some. I love the smell, I love the ideas, I love the sales, I love how friendly the employees are.

They are, last time I checked, not a government owned company. They are a FAMILY BUSINESS. And everyone should know where they stand as far as religion is concerned, as they are not OPEN ON SUNDAYS SO THEIR EMPLOYEES CAN WORSHIP. Says so right on the front sign. A Christian company with Christian beliefs.

And, as much as some of you may hate to admit it, this country was founded on the basis that all Americans should be able to live and follow their own religious principles.

So why are we as individuals allowed to do what we want, on the grounds that it is because of our beliefs, but this company is not?

They also provide a pretty amazing wage, benefits and working environment for their employees.

 

My employer doesn’t offer ANY health benefits at all. But, I am a big girl, so I go out and get my own. And I still work here. I still love my job. I am not going to sue them because they aren’t making it easier for me to “get some”.

When it boils right down, that’s what this is about. People are wanting to have sex. They aren’t wanting to get pregnant. And they want someone else to pay for them to make this decision.

Now, hobby lobby DOES pay for contraceptive options. They just chose to NOT pay for “four potentially life-terminating drugs and devices in the company’s health insurance plan.” (hobby lobbys words- not mine.)

Just to clarify: the hobby lobby insurance plan

Covers:

• Most birth control pills

• Condoms

• Sponges

• Sterilization

It does NOT cover:

• Plan B "morning-after pill"

• Ella "morning-after pill"

• Hormonal and copper intrauterine devices (IUDs

 

And yup , they have their reasons for NOT covering those last three. Basically, they feel that those last three can prevent a fertilized egg from attaching to the uterine wall, hence a very early term abortion. And, as we have already discussed, as a Christian company, this would be something they would not be able to condone. Wether you agree or disagree that this is how the morning after pills/IUD works, doesn’t really matter.

They provide plenty of options for their employees.

Its like my mom taking me out to buy the pill, but refusing to pay for my abortion. (this is an example, and never actually happened)

 

So, I guess what im saying is, go out and buy your own condoms. Or your own ‘Plan B’. its offered over the counter now at your friendly neighborhood Walgreens. Man up (hahahaha) and take some responsibility for your actions. Put your big girl panties on, get in the car, drive to CVS and hand over $50 so you wont have to worry about that broken condom.

 

 

 Or hey, maybe we should sue Trojan too, for not providing a plan b pill with all their condoms… just in case.


also, check this awesome link out, courtesy of ms. Marlowe :)
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/timstanley/100278354/hobby-lobby-how-obamacare-not-the-religious-right-made-contraception-a-political-issue/

I fucking hate mornings.

normal morning getting Me and J ready:

Wakes J up.

Me: "Ok Bird, Get dressed, brush your teeth and hair and then come downstairs for breakfast."

I go into my bedroom. manage to get my teeth brushed before I hear...

J: "MOM!! My socks hurt!"

wtf? How can your socks hurt? *sigh" I go into her bedroom, fix her socks. Meanwhile...

BARK BARK BARK

Ah shit. I forgot to let the dog out. I go downstairs, let him outside, go back upstairs to try to continue getting ready. This time I manage to get one contact in, and notice Jordans on my bed playing on her tablet.

Me: "Arent you supposed to be doing something?"

Jordan: *stares at me blankly"

Me:''jordan, go brush your teeth!''

I get the other contact in. Sit down to do my makeup annnnnnndddddd....

BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK SQWAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK!

SHITSHITSHITSHIT the dog is chasing the chickens. I race downstairs (half naked)

"LED ZEPPELIN YOU GET YOUR ASS IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW!!!"

Thankfully he listens. I let him in, feed him and head back upstairs to try to get dressed.

Jordan wanders in.

J: "I brushed my teeth."

Me: "And?"

J:"and now im done?"

Me: " Uhm no. go brush your hair. then go downstairs and start packing your lunch box."

I get dressed, manage to put something on that I think matches. I had an idea about looking attractive when I woke up, but that train has LONG left the station.

Go downstairs, RE pack jordans lunch, make coffee, check jordans bag, make sure everything is in there. Let the dog back out, but not before threatening his manhood, should he feel the urge to fuck with the chickens again.

Its quiet. too quiet...

 Me: ''jordan? jordan where are you? Its time to eat breakfast..." I find her on her bed, crying...

BARK

 Jordan: ''MOMMMMMM my pants are too CRUNCHY!"' *melts down into hysterics *

BARK BARK BARK BARK

Me "What does that even MEAN?? WHY did you take the other shorts off? WHY do you have pants on? its 90 degrees outside!!"

Jordan: "I don't know. they FEEL CRUNCHY. I HATE THESE PANTS!"" *starts to take them off*

Me: ''jordan cate marie, put your shorts BACK ON and COME DOWNSTAIRS!!''

 BARKBARKBARKBARK

 J: ''i caaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnntttttt they are too CRUNCHY''

 mE: SHM!!! ''fine. i dont care what you wear, but put SOMETHING on and COME DOWNSTAIRS!!! WHERE IS YOUR HAIRBRUSH???  ZEPPELIN KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!''

I manage the rest of the morning without any major incidents. I forgot to get milk, so its water and honey buns for breakfast. don't judge me. at least I remembered to feed her... today.

 J: (coming down the stairs )''ok mom, im readddddy!"

 *finds small child in easter dress, leopard print leggings, spongebob baseball cap and a hoodie...*.

 ....smh...... Guess were being white trash today cuz I am NOT going through that again.

When shes 17 shes going to be like “Oh my god mom, WHY did you let me leave the house in that?” and im going to have a mini meltdown.


Or maybe not, ill probably be a raging alcoholic by that point.

I sure am glad my daughter is pretty...

Im glad my daughter is pretty.

Im shallow, you say?

Perhaps.

Or perhaps I just don’t want her to have to deal with todays generation of MONSTERS. She will get made fun of for a million things in her life, and im glad her appearance wont be one of them.

Im not sure how I would be able to help her handle it should she be on the…. Lower scale of the attractive chart (ie UGLY).

I know that beauty is only skin deep. I know that what you wear on the outside doesn’t matter, as long as you are a good person.

I could try to explain to her that once you meet THE RIGHT guy, who can make you LAUGH, and is SMART and SWEET and treats you right… it wont matter WHAT he looks like. Because to you, he will be the most attractive man in the world (aside from Harrison ford, that is).

I could try to explain to her that those pretty rich snobby girls are not the type of girls she wants to be friends with anyway. Real friends will value her for WHO she is, not WHAT she has. Those are the friends that last a lifetime. Those are the friends who you will make memories with, who will be there for you, who you will have in your wedding…

I could tell her that nine times out of ten whats IN your head will matter more than how she wears her hair. That with her brain she will be able to go to any school she wants, get a good job, be able to afford a good life, and be able to become the woman I KNOW she is capable of becoming.

Because she is kind. She is funny. She is caring. She is smart. And yes, she is pretty.

And I will continue to tell her all of those things. In todays society, if I can help her even that much, im going to.

 

But… shes 5. So shes not going to understand any of that.

All she understands right now is that some little ASS at the YMCA made fun of her hair.

(her hair that we put in rollers last night, and spent 20 minutes on this morning. And she was SO excited about it!!!!)

All shes going to remember is that a girl made fun of her because her shoes weren’t PINK.

Im glad shes pretty because that’s one LESS thing for her to have to worry about. One less thing for her to feel LOW about. As a girl, shes going to have a whole world of media to inform her that she fall short in some way of the ideal, and if there's anything I can do to redress the balance, in favor of her self-confidence, I will do so.

 

So I just sit here… with no idea what to do to help her out. All my wisdom is useless to the little girl who is crying because she doesn’t have a hello kitty thermos, and was made fun of because she brought a star wars thermos to day camp, and those are for ‘’boys’’ and the girls all pushed her and said ‘’are you a boy?’’ (id like to punch them all in the face)

The fact that im a girl and I LOVE star wars carrys no weight with her. The fact that ALL the BEST people like star wars doesn’t matter to her.

 So ill go out and buy her the hello kitty thermos. Because it breaks my heart to see her sad. Because no one wants their child ostracized. Because we all want our kids to fit in, and be popular.

 

But if this is the current mold… im not so sure that’s what I want for her.

You know what grinds my gears?

Im sure we all have pet peeves.

Im sure you’ve got yours. Ive sure as hell got mine!

A few of mine include:

1)      Dirty dishes. Rinse the damn thing off. Its not that hard. And hey, while you’re rinsing it off, put it in the damn dishwasher.

2)      Laundry. It never ends. I loathe it. I hate sorting it. I hate remembering to put it in the dryer. I hate remembering its been in the washer for 3 days. And then having to re wash it. I hate forgetting its in the dryer and then restarting the dryer 12 times to get the wrinkles out. I hate folding it. I hate taking care of it. Its just a pain in the ass….

 

BUT my NUMERO UNO biggest “PISS ME RIGHT OFF ZERO TO PISSED IN POINT TWO SECONDS BLIND RAGE” pet peeve is…

 

NAPPING ON THE COUCH.

Seems innocent enough. I bet you’re wondering why on earth it makes me so upset. WELL wonder no longer, I am going to tell you.

1.       Its fucking rude. I am trying to do stuff. Other people are trying to do stuff. We cannot do said stuff with your ass sleeping on the couch. Hi, it’s the middle of the day. We shouldn’t have to tip toe around because you’re taking a NAP. Or better yet, wake up and be a productive member of society.

2.       You have a damn bed. We have a guest room. If you are tired or sick, go get in said bed. I especially don’t want your sick ass on my couch coughing and annoying the hell out of me! Plus, I don’t want to hear you whine. No one wants to be around that. So you are rendering my lovely living room, the social hub of my home, useless.

3.       You take up space. Where the fuck am I supposed to sit? YOURE IN MY FAVORITE SPOT, ie the best view of the TV, and the best lighting for reading. I cant sit ON you. I don’t WANT to sit on the other couch.

4.       You are NOT being involved in what is going on by sleeping in the middle of it. You are pissing me off. Im trying to run around and do 87 things, all while keeping Jordan quiet so you can take your damn nap. You are asleep. You do not know what is going on. And you are PISSING ME OFF. AND IF YOU DARE GET MAD AT ME BECAUSE MY CHILD WOKE YOU UP YOU ARE IN FOR A SCARY AS FUCK SURPRISE.

I can be in a perfectly good mood and see someone asleep on my couch and BAM. Instant bitch. It will ruin my ENTIRE day. I cant help it. I understand it is a bit irrational. It pisses me off.

I have heard all the excuses. I have heard all the lines. You’re sick. You’re tired. You want to feel like you are around everyone. You SHOULDN’T have to go to your room to nap. Unless you are the ONLY ONE HOME, you are in a den type room where the door closes or it is THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I don’t care.

Get off the couch and go upstairs.

Every time I see you laying on the couch, blissfully asleep I start to boil with a red hot rage and just want to throw shit at you.

I WILL make it a point to be AS LOUD as possible when people are napping on my couch. Why? Because FUCK YOU ITS MY COUCH. That’s why. I will slam doors. I will listen to Johnny Cash as loud as possible. I will encourage Jordan to do the same, with Disney songs. I will decide to vacuum, when I probably haven’t in months.

Where did this stem from? J’s waste of space poor as fuck excuse for a father. He would nap on the couch, then get pissed at me for waking him up. Im sorry, our two bedroom apartment doesn’t have a whole lot of space, and this is the LIVING room. Hence, where we do most of our LIVING. Then ive got to deal with a small child who cant understand why I wont let her play, I cant get anything done, then a grouchy assface who is upset b/c I didn’t get anything done and J kept waking him up….Long story short, I hate him and wish he would fall in the river.

I would like to point out that this is not directed at any one person. This is directed at EVERYONE. Pete, my mom, my friends, Jordan… get your sleepy ass off my couch and go lay down. I have a very nice room/guest room for you. I’ve possibly even washed the sheets. Utilize it.

 

 

 

 

Feel free to comment with your unreasonable pet peeves… make me feel better about mine!