Backyard football and dismembered deer legs

 

So. Thanksgiving is my all time FAVORITE holiday. Fall is my favorite time of year, but thanksgiving is the cherry on top.

I love everything about it. The decorating, the FOOD, the family and friends, the FOOD… hehe

It makes me all warm and cozy inside.

Don’t get me wrong, I really like Christmas, but for me… thanksgiving is where its at.

 

But lately… ive had a hard time getting into the holiday spirit

Generally, by this time of year Jordan and I would have gathered pinecones, made a centerpiece, and name cards, read stories about the First Thanksgiving, and of course made pumpkin spice ANYTHING….

But im just not into it this year

Maybe it’s the move. Being surrounded by people I don’t know, no family and close friends to help me get into it

Maybe it’s the fact that im not going to be in Wisconsin for Thanksgiving

 

I was thinking about it last night, and I realized what it was I was missing...

 

Backyard football and dismembered deer legs

 *flashback time*

 

CIRCA, 1995

 

We walk into the cozy log cabin. I know were late, we’re always late. (this hasn't changed much...)But that just means we don’t have to wait to eat… because if I know Grandma… there is going to be a FEAST waiting. I can smell the venison…

 

My glasses fog up and Jena comes running over, out of breath from playing in the basement with Bobby and Gene.

“ITS ABOUT TIME YOU GUYS GOT HERE!” she exclaims, grabbing my hand and rushing me into the living room and THERE IT IS….

The Christmas tree. Grandpa hauled it in and Grandma decorated it and underneath… there are already presents!

Mom and Grandma are “not arguing” about us being late…

There isn’t time to snoop, Aunt cris is smothering me in THE BEST HUG EVER, and uncle jeff is making fun of me for being a ‘beanpole’ still.

Everyone is there. And by everyone, I mean….

Aunt Cris, uncle mike, Aaron, Allen and my BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, Jena.

My uncle Jeff and his three kids, Brad, Bobby and Kelly. Later on my aunt sue, and occasionally her daughter Casey (great name, btw)

My uncle randy

Sarah, Mike, Pat, Jessie and Gene (depending on the year, they probably came with Cris and mike)

Me, Mom and nick

And of course, Grandma and Grandpa

 

There are generally numerous other cousins, great uncles/aunts etc… but this… this is the main crowd.

 

We line up at the table and load our plates until they can’t take anymore. Venison, turkey, Mashed potatoes, stuffing, chili, green beans, pickles and buckets, pie…. You name it, it’s THERE.

Grandpa and my little cousin Allen have already loaded their plates and are making a serious dent in the food.

 

The kids adjourn to the basement where there is a roaring fire to eat and play.

 

But mostly play.

The boys talk guns, my cousin brad just got a new one from his dad, and Nick wants one.

They talk about the deer they shot that morning, out back in the woods behind the house.

Jena and I play house, or dress up, and sometimes convince Bobby and Gene to go along.

If Sarah and Jessie didn’t have anything better to do, they join in.

Sometimes Nick, Brad and Pat dress up too, just to be dorks.

 

Jena and I would always try to sneak one of grandmas trashy romance books, but Sarah and Kelly would never let us.

 

We finally deem that enough time has gone by, and we all bundle up to go outside and go sledding. Getting all our layers of clothes on was always a challenge, with 10 kids all vying for hats, gloves and snow pants…

Sledding? You weird southerners may ask….

Yes. Sledding. Generally there was snow in WI by this time of year, and sledding was always a tradition.

 

 And we had SO MUCH FUN.

 

We could hardly walk because of our snowsuits, and had frostbite by the time we came in, but still…

The hill by the house wasn’t the biggest, but to me, it was the BEST.

We would have races.

Who could go the fastest?

Who could go the farthest?

The boys would make the girls pull them up the hills.

Generally a snowball fight would break out, that was horribly one sided, with the younger kids all on the same team…

Nick and Brad were especially good at ‘face washes’, where you slammed someone to the ground, and the proceeded to ‘wash’ their face with the freezing snow.

 

  

Id generally go inside and cry to mom about it, who would be deep in conversation with aunt cris and grandma about who was recently pregnant, and who's husband had run off with her sister…

Id get a cookie, and a hug from grandma.

Id wander out into the living room where grandpa was watching football with my uncles. Id climb up on his lap and he would hand me a dozen cookies. I loved sitting on grandpa’s lap. And my memories of that lap always include food.

Eventually id get tired of the football on TV and wander back outside to sled some more.

 

After a while the big boys would get tired of putting up with us kids, and they would organize a football game.

If there wasn’t snow, the football game would be the highlight.

Sometimes the uncles would come out and play, and jena and I would watch and laugh and laugh as nick and brad tried to tackle uncle Jeff or uncle Randy.

When the game was over, and the sun had started to set Grandma would let us plug in the Christmas lights on the front porch (They were nailed up, and a permanent fixture, but we could only turn them on around the holidays)

 

There was a giant timber that went from the corner of the house to a huge tree in the side yard, and from this tree hung… the fruits of my uncles/cousins hunting labors from earlier in the day.

Around this point Jena and I would get brave enough to venture towards the hanging deer carcasses from the boys hunting earlier.

Their throats would be slit, and their entrails would be already gone, but it was still a grisly sight, when you’re 8 years old….

Jena and I would dare each other to touch them.

Just as we would get close enough to do it…. BAM nick, pat and brad would start chasing us around with the (already removed) deer ‘forelegs’ (idk if this is really the term, but it’s what it was)

Around and around and around we would run, screaming our lungs out and laughing until we couldn’t breathe.

 

Generally around this point a parent would come out and yell at us all to come inside.

Mom and Cris would try to get us to help clean up, but we would sneak away to play Legos or watch football.

Soon enough, we decided we did NOT want to be in the room with all the men watching the packer game and we would wander off to play dolls, or some other girly pastime.

I remember in earlier years, this was the part where we would all go in the basement, and Grandpa and Jeff would pick up their guitars and play the night away while we ate more food, talked, played and the adults drank.

Uncle randy would try to talk me into just ‘’trying’’ his drink, which was ‘’just soda!’’ and id giggle and run away.

 

I never remember how it ended, I just remember waking up in the car on the way home and being sad it was all over.

 

But I knew I would see them all again for Christmas, just one short month away. And then… then id get to see what was under that tree!

Maybe this year… id get a quillow! (it’s a quilt/pillow grandma made for all of us, and they were AMAZING. I still have mine, it has violets on it) and help hand out presents!

 

Id fall back asleep in the car, watching the gently falling snow, and listening to the sound of Christmas carols on the radio….

 

 

That’s my family. My brother and cousins bullying me, the women gossiping, the kids running around like lunatics…

 

They may be neurotic.

They may not be the classiest or the most refined people

 

But they are MINE.  And for all this… I am thankful.

And this is why Jordans teacher hates me...

So. I’ve been having some issues with Jordans teacher lately.

Ok, let me try to be brief while I explain what led up to this…

Jordan sucks at bringing her homework home. Totally sucks at it. Her teacher sends two sheets home, and that’s the homework for the entire week.

Why don’t I just keep it at home? You ask…

Because if she doesn’t have it to work on in after care she gets yelled at. And so do I (true story).

So her benchmarks were coming up and I hadn’t seen homework at all for her. I wanted to help her so she would do well, and wanted to make sure she was doing the homework correctly because the quizzes I kept getting home at the end of the week were HORRIBLE. Like… 15 out of 20 wrong. So we would go over them, and she would act like she understood, and then I had to sign and return her quiz.

And then the next week I wouldn’t see any homework.

By the time I got to school to pick Jordan up her class was locked and her teacher had gone for the day.

 

So I sent a note to school asking if we could keep her quizzes to study with.

No reply

I sent a note home in her assignment notebook requesting the teacher assist Jordan with remembering her homework

No reply

I sent another note to school asking for her homework, and if there were any extra study pages we could get for math

No reply

I sent another note ON her quiz asking if we could keep it

Nada.

I sent two more notes, one in her binder and another on her assignment notebook.

Not.a.damn.thing.

This was all over the course of about 2-3 weeks leading up to her benchmarks.

I did what I could at home, but when it asked for two differences between an octagon and a square, I wasn’t sure what answers they wanted aside from “they have a different number of sides”, which is what J put, and got WRONG.

 

So benchmarks came and went and im pretty sure Jordan did pretty shitty on them. Im useless at helping her, and I know she was confused over piddly stupid crap.

(please see the blog about chicken math for more details on my uselessness)

BUT I WAS TRYING.

Anyway. I digress.

So this last Monday night I notice jordans homework isn’t in her binder and… im sad to say… I LOST IT.

I was stressed at work, stressed with pete and stressed with the situation and I BLEW UP.

(I will say, I think I was a LOT nicer than I generally tend to be)

The following is the conversation that occurred via ClassDojo when I messaged her teacher, when once again, I sent a note regarding her conference time and it was ignored:

 

 

Good morning, I returned Jordans conference sheet on Monday, and it is still in her binder. if you could please take it out and notate the times that I have selected I would appreciate it. also she is having trouble bringing her homework home, by the time I get to school to pick her up your class is locked. if you could please assist her and making sure that she has her homework every day, we will be able to make sure that it is completed.

Delivered

Also, I have sent several notes to school asking for further assistance for her in math. or if I can keep some of the worksheets that I am supposed to sign to help her myself. No one has replied to any of these notes. I am a little bit upset that this has not been addressed, I know the benchmarks have passed and I am sure she did not do very well. if you could please take a moment to address this, I would appreciate it .

 

 

 

If you know me at all, you know this was VERY good …for me….I was really good, very to the point, but not overly rude etc…

 

The reply….

 

Good morning! We are working really hard on being independent and responsible in first grade. I ask the kids each morning to bring me any notes they have. I will make sure today that she brings it to me today. Homework should remain in her binder or at home until Friday, which is when I collect it. I don't know how homework works in after school care; if she is doing it there or losing it there. I would definitely check with them as well. I did receive one note from you on one of her math tests when she returned her progress report folder Monday. I passed the note along to her math teacher Miss Baver, and am awaiting a response from her. If you sent any other notes, I have not received them. Anything that you are asked to sign, is one of their assessments and gets filed in their date notebooks. I am sure that Miss Baver will be more than happy to send you extra work. Thanks so much for your continued support at home!

 

 

So… you got a note three weeks ago and still nothing has been done? A little late… don’t you think? As I wanted to help her BEFORE the damn test…

 

And that’s great that you teach responsibility… however, as I am sure she isn’t going to get a grade on that, and she DOES on math… maybe we can chalk it up to jordans SIX and not very responsible, and assist her? Hmmm? Maybe? Dick.

 

Anyway, I didn’t reply, as much as I realllllllly wanted to.

 

So. I pick Jordan up from school, and shes really quiet. I asked her how her day went and she told me she HATED ms Williams. I was a bit concerned, because usually J really likes her teacher. I asked her why she was upset and found out that her teacher had been a complete bitch to her alllll day, including yelling at her after class.

 

Now, I know my child and I know she can exaggerate, so I take everything she says with a SPOONFUL of salt. But her attitude suggested there was at least some truth to what she said.

 

I checked out her points for the day, and she had lost FIVE. She NEVER looses FIVE in an ENTIRE WEEK, let alone a day! And they were ALL around 10AM when… you guessed it, I sent her teacher that message. Jordan then told me she had gotten yelled at because of the message I sent her teacher. (Jordan didn’t know ahead of time that I had sent the messages. I hadn’t told her… which leaves… you guessed it…. )

 

So now, mama bear is PISSED.

 

 

 

Then I get this the next day:

 

If you are unsure of your conference time next week or did not receive your conformation, please let us know ASAP! We have all conferences scheduled and can't wait to talk with all of you!

 

I didn't get anything about jordans conference time, I checked her folder last night. Thank you

Delivered

She left the paper in the classroom yesterday afternoon. I put it in her hands at dismissal and told her to put it in her bookbag. Your conference is Thursday 11-13 at 4:45

 (id like to point out she has book bag as one word...)

 

Thank you very much.

Delivered

Also, Jordan mentioned to me that you were very unhappy with her yesterday. I am assuming because of the messages I sent you. I would like to take a minute to try to resolve this, as it appears she had her worst day to date yesterday, and I am sure you were not taking out your anger/irritation towards me at her.

 

**Read between the lines… stop being a bitch to my kid because I called you out.**

I do agree with you that Jordan needs to be responsible for her own work, bringing it home etc. However, as she has proven that she has issues with this, I did not feel it would be too much to ask that you assist her with remembering, while she works on getting better at it.

As for the ‘math’ issue, this is very personal for me. I am HORRIBLE at math. I always have been. I HATE it and I do not want Jordan to feel the same. I have a very difficult time even explaining her homework to her. I get it, I just don’t get how to make HER understand it.

With her benchmarks coming up, and it clear that she had zero clues about most of the math work, I wanted to make sure that she was as prepared as she could be, and wouldn’t score poorly on it because of simple misunderstandings.
I sent two notes on her homework, notes on her quiz’s and notes in her assignment binder, asking for her homework so I could make sure she understood, and asking for anything that would help explain what she needed to know.
I did not receive any type of reply. From anyone.

I am not going to blame you because Jordan doesn’t understand her homework, or because she cant remember to bring things home. But when I make the effort to try to assist her at home, and it is ignored, then I get very frustrated.

And of course, now her benchmarks have come and gone and I can only shudder to think at how they went for Jordan. Because she didn’t understand her homework, when she brought it home. And I couldn’t help her with it because she kept forgetting, and my efforts to remind her were not working, nor were my efforts to reach out to you.

I apologize if I was abrasive towards you yesterday. I can not even pretend I could do your job. I like my kid. The end. Unless you are a close friend, I don’t even want to deal with your kids. Or Jordan’s friends! Kudos to you! She loves class (aside from yesterday) and has learned so much this year!

You are appreciated, and I do not want you to think that I am just some crazy b***h.

I would just request that in the future, if I send communications to school that I receive a reply/acknowledgement, in an effort to assist Jordan with her education.

Thank you,

Casey Noe

 

 

Delivered

I mean, I thought I was very clear, concise and to the point. Maybe a bit blunt… but don’t be a bitch to my kid when YOU fucked up.

 

Reply From her teacher:

 

Yes next Thursday the 13th :)

Jordan was upset yesterday afternoon because she did not earn the 10 points needed for Ipad free time. As a consequence to her behavior, she had to read at her desk instead of playing on the Ipad. It had absolutely nothing to do with your messages, and everything to do with her behavior yesterday. We will address some of the issues we are having with her at our conference.

**So It’s a COINCIDENCE that her WORST day to date coincides with the day I call you out? I call BS. And WHY THE FUCK are you using reading as a punishment? No wonder she never wants to read! GRRRRRR… YES WE WILL HAVE SOME THING TO DISCUSS AT CONFRENCES. **

 

I apologize that I did not receive your notes. For future reference, if you have a concern, please email me or message me on here. They are both instantaneous and I can respond immediately.

We will talk about Math Thursday at Jordan's conference. Miss Baver will also have extra work for you then. You can also message her when you have questions about the math.

Thank you so much for all you are doing at home! I really appreciate it! :) I know that we can work together to ensure Jordan is reaching her full potential. :)

 

 

Oh wow thanks for having extra work for her AFTER her test. Morons. And WTF you cant reply to a damn note?

Jordan may be a pain, and she may be a shit at home, but I have NEVER had an issue with her behavior at school. NEVER. She talks a lot, but that’s IT. Not in Pre-K, not in Kindergarten… nada. Weird that her behavior is suddenly bad when you’re mad at me…

 

I’m making Pete go to conferences with me so I don’t kill anybody. Poor guy.

Han Solo lookin' bitches...

So. Jordan’s ‘Fall Festival’ was last night…

I had to race to leave work, pick her up, go home and fight with her about her stupid Elsa costume, do her hair (MOMMMMM THAT’S NOT WHAT ELSAS HAIR LOOKS LIKE! MY POOF ISNT BIG ENOUGH! HERS GOES IN A CIRCLE!) Go to TWO gas stations so I could use the ATM, consequently get into one verbal altercation with a black woman after I called her useless, and then fly over to her school.

Of course, Will and Becky (the only people in Raeford I know and like) were, at this point, just leaving. Because they are assholes. Just kidding Becky J

Anyway… it was horrible. It was the stupidest thing in the history of man. And that is only a SLIGHT exaggeration.

The games were stupid. The food was horrible. Jordan spilled caramel down her VERY EXPENSIVE Elsa dress… woooo saaa…. WHAT KIND OF MORONS SERVE CARAMEL AROUND CHILDREN? Evil ones.

I am not going to pay $1 for you to read my child a story. Or for you to give her a tootsie roll. (And by ‘I’m not going to pay” what I mean is “I am going to pay, but I am going to bitch via blog about it later”)

I understand it was for a good cause, which is why we went… but couldn’t they put a little more effort into it? Or a little more alcohol? I’m just sayin…. I’d have enjoyed some alcohol. The other parents definitely looked like they needed it…

 

And do not get me started on all the other moms.

Let me preface this by saying IN GENERAL most of the women around here do not work. IN GENERAL they do not have to. So they are stay at home military wives with nothing better to do than make wreaths via Pinterest and shop etsy for cute scarves. (In general… Becky and Nikki this excludes you two. And a few others.)

They all had on their boots and leggings and sweaters and sideways purses… the ‘basic bitch’ as I believe they are termed.

 

They all looked like han solo… but not hot like Harrison ford…

 

 

 

I was in my chucks, jeans that had gotten dirty at work during an eviction, my bruins tee shirt, and I’m pretty sure my hair wasn’t exactly ‘’clean’’….

I did not fit in with them in any way, shape or form. I was not there at my child’s beck and call, I yelled at her for not sharing her caramel apple with me (instead of buying her another one).

 I chased her around with a skeleton arm and played keep-away with her balloon.

I did not make small talk with the other moms and try to verbally out do each other about after school programs, my kids grades or the fact that we only eat organic (ha).

 I didn’t try to get to know her teacher (ive got issues with her… but that’s for another time…) and suck up.

 Nope. I had fun with my kid. Well, as much fun as could be had, about the same to stubbing your toe…

 

And the moms that weren’t like that, were the exact OPPOSITE. Either they were stuck up bitch lookin, or they looked like crack whores. I’m not kidding you!

This one little girl walked around with a spider web stuck to her butt the entire time, and her mom did nothing about it. It was something that would have embarrassed the hell out of me… Then she fell down, and her mom YELLED at her, while she was still on the ground, for getting her (goodwill) princess dress dirty! Then proceeded to make a scene when the little girl started to cry, and bribed her with pizza, which she then didn’t.

We about got into it right then and there. But I snuck her a piece of pizza, so it’s ok.

I don’t fit in with the high maintenance moms, I don’t fit in with the crack whore moms… I guess I'm just somewhere in the middle, doing my own thing, making sure my kid doesn’t die and is relatively clean…

And this is why I look like hell today...

So.

Last night was… rough.

To say the least.

J is going through this complete asshole phase where she CANT sleep alone in her own damn bed.

Which sadly coincides with MY phase of “Fuck no you are not sleeping with me.”

This has always been an issue with her.

Let me give some background here. Jordan had apnea when she was born. IE, stopped breathing in her sleep. She almost died. Then, as if that wasn’t fun enough, she started having SIEZURES. Needless to say, I was a very obsessive young mother. And her apnea alarm sounded like a FIRE TRUCK. So it was just easier to have her sleep with me.

Her waste of space father was never home, so that wasn’t an issue. When she was almost 4 we moved into a different house and I had just gotten her to sleep in her own bed when…. BAM. Peeping tom at our house. I was freaked out, she was freaked out… it was, once again, just easier for her to sleep with me.

We moved to NC, and essentially had to share a bedroom. I didn’t always want to sleep on the futon, so we shared a bed…

Fast forward to now… Im in a relationship with someone who has never lived with kids before. He is doing REALLY well, but the whole ‘Jordan snuggling in bed’’ thing is just a bit too much for him. He doesn’t get that this is a perfectly normal thing, and WAY understandable considering the past… (sorry boo, I love you but its true)

 

She has been struggling with this since we moved. Generally I can placate her by tucking her in and snuggling for a minute or two, but the last month or so have been HELL.

It starts at 750 when I tell her its time to get ready for bed. The waterworks start (and boy does this little girl know how to play me!)

“but will you tuck me in?”

“but will you snuggle with me?”

“but what if I get scared?”

“back when we lived in Wisconsin…”

“can I just sleep with you?”

 

It has been getting progressively worse.

My mom came to visit this weekend and I made Jordan sign a paper stating that:

“I will not have a fit about sleeping by myself, going to bed, not snuggling. Nor will I ask to sleep with mom after grandma comes”

BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE AN ISSUE.

 

Yep. Sure as shit, last night….

She bawled on her way to bed, but then fell asleep relatively quickly. I woke up at 12 to pee, went and checked on her and she was good.

 

MY FIRST MISTAKE

She comes into my room at 1215….

“Mommy?... I had a scary dream…”

Now at this point, im still patient and willing to go tuck her back into bed… I get her all snuggly, turn on a light for her, get her stuffed animal and think were good to go…

 

I get back to my room, fight with a sleeping bear for some space and have just gotten comfortable.

 

 

12:30

*knock knock knock* “Mommy? I had another bad dream….”

"J, you haven’t even had a chance to go back to sleep. Please go back in your room and go to sleep."

 

1:05

*knock…*

"GET BACK IN BED."

 

1:32

*knock knock knock*

"What do you want Jordan?''

''I cant sleep…''

''GET BACK IN YOUR BED RIGHT NOW AND DON’T GET OUT''

 

2:07

(SCREAMING FROM ACROSS THE HOUSE) ''MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY! IM SCARED! ITS ME, JORDAN! MOMMY, CAN YOU HEAR ME? MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!''

I get out of bed, and MARCH my grouchy sleepy ass down the hall to deal with my child. All the lights are on. I turn them off, get her back in bed and threaten her

“If you don’t go to sleep im going to spank you. Don’t get up. Don’t come in my room. Don’t scream at me from across the house. GO TO BED.”

 

I get back to my room and pete is in the MIDDLE of the bed and WILL NOT move over. Now waking pete is like waking the dead. Maybe harder. I yell. I shove. I pushed. Nada.

I eventually was able to get him over so I had about a foot of space when….

 

*knock knock*

''WHAT.''

''Im scared… I heard a noise…''

''GET BACK IN BED''

 

I lay down.

WHAM. ELBOW TO THE HEAD

Me: “Ouch!”

Pete” hmmmzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

 

*Knock Knock*....

 

It went on like this for HOURS.

Jordan got TWO spankings.

I slept on 6 inches of space and I was placed in a chokehold while aforementioned sleeping bear wanted to ‘cuddle’….

It went a little like this....

 

Per one of his friends who I am NOT quoting due to legal issues, I should just “wake him up and have him move”….. yeah right.

 

 

Tonight im sleeping in my car.

Pumpkin Spice and Wedding Bells

Autumn is officially my favorite time of year.

The leaves change, the air gets crisp and tis the season of pumpkin spice EVERYTHING!

Generally this season consists of pumpkin picking, hay rides, corn mazes and lots of family time. I was worried that I would miss all this, since I wont be in Wisconsin this year for the fall season.

This time of year always makes me homesick… usually I can fill the void with other outings, and I do try to go home to visit.

However, it seems fate had other plans and I’ve managed to work it out so I can still go to the corn maze while I’m in Wisconsin for my brothers wedding. Which makes me very happy J

 

 

Speaking of this wedding.

I’m not looking forward to it.

My brother’s fiancé is… annoyingly perfect. And by annoying I mean I’m jealous. She’s got the clothes, she’s skinny, she’s cute as shit, she's got a good job,… it’s highly irritating that someone can be that perfect.

I'm not even lying. Terra has the ability to take the most HIDEOUS article of clothing and wear it and it will look AMAZING. I could wear the exact same thing and I would look like a homeless person.

 

In fact, I've tried before. I got $4.72 while I was waiting for the bus.

 

Who the hell knows why she’s with NICK. Ha.

 

Especially when you put me next to her and well… yeahhhhhhhh nope. I don’t quite stack up.

And all her other bridesmaids… are very similar to her. And a little too ‘sorority girl’ for me. With their usage of the word ‘like’, wearing leggings as pants and their obsession with stacking bracelets… (I know none of this for sure… I’m just assuming ..this is 100% pure conjecture on my part. I don't even know if I've met half of them...…)

 

So, I was sitting here whining and feeling sorry for myself when it hit me…

I am officially going to be Megan from Bridesmaids. The fat awkward (hilarious with amazing tits) one who is only in the wedding because she’s the groom’s sister….

 

I’ve had better moments than this realization…

 

That's me. on the far left...

 

 

So this wedding.

We’re wearing STRAPLESS dresses.

With my boobs? Oh good lord… I hope someone has a camera handy b/c I’m going to be pulling a Janet Jackson NFL type move, I’m sure…

Plus, I’m fat. And strapless dresses with big boobs on big girls… oy vey (at least Megan got to wear sleeves and a real damn bra!)

And HEELS.

Have I mentioned I’m already freakishly tall? So I’m going to be flashing people at eye level!! Wooo hoo!

And ALL the groomsmen are shorter than me. At least they should enjoy that. I do have rather amazing boobs.

AND IT’S TWO DAYS AFTER MY BIRTHDAY!!

Now, that in itself doesn’t bother me.

What does bother me is the fact that this means I will NEVER be able to have another BIRTHDAY EVER AGAIN. And no, I am not exaggerating.

 

Let’s go out! Oh, sorry we can’t… we have plans for nick and terra's anniversary.

Buy me presents! Oh sorry, we can’t. We just spent money on said anniversary.

Come see me! Sorry sweetie, it’s our anniversary…

 

 

BUT DO YOU KNOW THE WORST PART?

THIS CRAZY PERFECT WOMAN IS STEALING MY BROTHER!

That’s right! She’s been working on it for years now and was so sneaky about it I didn’t even notice it was happening!

I’ve had to deal with his shit for 27 years! Now that he’s finally gotten to the point where he doesn’t just torture me and ruin any chances at dating, and we can actually have FUN together, he’s always busy with TERRA. I've never really had to share him before and I DON’T LIKE IT ONE BIT. I thought this was just a phase…

HES MY BROTHER YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE!
 

Now I’ve got to deal with lines such as these:
 

"I don't know if you can borrow $500...I’ve got to ask TERRA"

"Sorry hunny, I cant drop everything and come over, I have plans with TERRA"

"I’m not sure what were doing for Easter in 6 months sweetie, ask TERRA."

"Sorry Case, I can’t come over and do nothing with you, its TERRAS birthday."

"Sorry I didn’t answer your call, I was getting my marriage license…"

"I can’t drive 1050 miles to see you this weekend, I’ve got to save my PTO for my WEDDING."

 

…And other such bullshit.

 

in the meantime, I’ve been working on my speech.

No one has actually "asked" me to make a speech, but I'm assuming its going to happen, so I want to be prepared.

 

BWA HA HAHA.
 

Ill post it after the fact. I don’t want to ruin the surprise…