Han Solo lookin' bitches...

So. Jordan’s ‘Fall Festival’ was last night…

I had to race to leave work, pick her up, go home and fight with her about her stupid Elsa costume, do her hair (MOMMMMM THAT’S NOT WHAT ELSAS HAIR LOOKS LIKE! MY POOF ISNT BIG ENOUGH! HERS GOES IN A CIRCLE!) Go to TWO gas stations so I could use the ATM, consequently get into one verbal altercation with a black woman after I called her useless, and then fly over to her school.

Of course, Will and Becky (the only people in Raeford I know and like) were, at this point, just leaving. Because they are assholes. Just kidding Becky J

Anyway… it was horrible. It was the stupidest thing in the history of man. And that is only a SLIGHT exaggeration.

The games were stupid. The food was horrible. Jordan spilled caramel down her VERY EXPENSIVE Elsa dress… woooo saaa…. WHAT KIND OF MORONS SERVE CARAMEL AROUND CHILDREN? Evil ones.

I am not going to pay $1 for you to read my child a story. Or for you to give her a tootsie roll. (And by ‘I’m not going to pay” what I mean is “I am going to pay, but I am going to bitch via blog about it later”)

I understand it was for a good cause, which is why we went… but couldn’t they put a little more effort into it? Or a little more alcohol? I’m just sayin…. I’d have enjoyed some alcohol. The other parents definitely looked like they needed it…

 

And do not get me started on all the other moms.

Let me preface this by saying IN GENERAL most of the women around here do not work. IN GENERAL they do not have to. So they are stay at home military wives with nothing better to do than make wreaths via Pinterest and shop etsy for cute scarves. (In general… Becky and Nikki this excludes you two. And a few others.)

They all had on their boots and leggings and sweaters and sideways purses… the ‘basic bitch’ as I believe they are termed.

 

They all looked like han solo… but not hot like Harrison ford…

 

 

 

I was in my chucks, jeans that had gotten dirty at work during an eviction, my bruins tee shirt, and I’m pretty sure my hair wasn’t exactly ‘’clean’’….

I did not fit in with them in any way, shape or form. I was not there at my child’s beck and call, I yelled at her for not sharing her caramel apple with me (instead of buying her another one).

 I chased her around with a skeleton arm and played keep-away with her balloon.

I did not make small talk with the other moms and try to verbally out do each other about after school programs, my kids grades or the fact that we only eat organic (ha).

 I didn’t try to get to know her teacher (ive got issues with her… but that’s for another time…) and suck up.

 Nope. I had fun with my kid. Well, as much fun as could be had, about the same to stubbing your toe…

 

And the moms that weren’t like that, were the exact OPPOSITE. Either they were stuck up bitch lookin, or they looked like crack whores. I’m not kidding you!

This one little girl walked around with a spider web stuck to her butt the entire time, and her mom did nothing about it. It was something that would have embarrassed the hell out of me… Then she fell down, and her mom YELLED at her, while she was still on the ground, for getting her (goodwill) princess dress dirty! Then proceeded to make a scene when the little girl started to cry, and bribed her with pizza, which she then didn’t.

We about got into it right then and there. But I snuck her a piece of pizza, so it’s ok.

I don’t fit in with the high maintenance moms, I don’t fit in with the crack whore moms… I guess I'm just somewhere in the middle, doing my own thing, making sure my kid doesn’t die and is relatively clean…