And this is why Men are the WORST.

Sometimes I honestly wonder how it is that men are still a thing.

They are stubborn.

NO MATTER WHAT they are ALWAYS RIGHT. Even if you are right. NOPE. You are NOT right. They are. MONTHS later they may admit that they may have been wrong, but DO NOT point it out or it will magically go away and once again – They were not wrong!

They are frustrating.

THE SWEET SNACKS GO IN ONE CUBPOARD AND THE SALTY SNACKS GO IN THE OTHER. It’s been that way for FOREVER. SWEET JESUS MAN!

I SWEAR IF YOU PUT THAT TRASH CAN IN MY WAY ONE MORE TIME IM NOT COMING BACK!

WHY CANT YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR LAUNDRY?!

They are oblivious.

IM SORRY you stayed up until 11 and got GOD AWFUL drunk. Guess what? I’ve been lying in bed for the last hour scantily clad waiting for your ass! And they wonder why we develop headaches? It isn’t only for when it’s convenient for YOU! Our needs matter too!

They smell bad.

HOW on EARTH can they work ALL DAY and then NOT SHOWER? It may not bother you, but guess what… I have to be around you and you smell LIKE BIGFOOTS DICK.

They say the WRONG things at GOD AWFUL times…

“I think you’re overreacting.”

“Why are you nagging me about this?”

“Aren’t you ready yet?’’

“Why do you need a $500 purse?”

They do NOT understand that our feelings matter.

No, maybe you didn't MEAN to offend us. Maybe you didn't intend to make us sad but guess what… you did. WE ARE FEMALE AND WE ARE EMOTIONAL. SO maybe you should MAN UP and APOLOGIZE. And not some BS apology either...

“I’m sorry you overreacted.” ß THIS IS NOT AN APOLOGY

“I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings. I love you more than life itself and you are beautiful. Here have some wine.” ß THIS IS AN APOLOGY.  AND you aren't actually admitting any wrongdoing. It’s a WIN WIN.

here is a chart to reference for your convenience...

Honestly. Given the free does of bitch that come standard with a vagina, how have we (women) not killed them all off?

I think the amazons had it right… Bad ass warrior women. No men were allowed in their country, BUT; but once a year - in order to prevent their race from dying out- (says Wikipedia… I think they just got horny) they visited a neighboring tribe to get freak-ay. And yes, to repopulate. They also took men as slaves when they went to war. They had to do the cooking and cleaning and oh yeah, satisfy their masters on command. Any girl children from the union were kept and brought up by their moms to be TOTAL BAD ASS XENA-ESQUE MO-FO’S.  The male children who were the result of these visits were either killed, sent back to their fathers or exposed in the wilderness to fend for themselves. Sorry ‘Bout Cha…

 Bad motha' shut yo mouth!

Hells to the yizzeah!

How to fail an Interview in Ten Easy Steps!!

Sooooo I had an interview the other day...

 I arranged it on the phone with a lovely sounding lady who said it was for a property management company, and got it scheduled for over my lunch break.

 I got to the office a comfortable 15 minutes early and realized… wait… where was this place? I didn't see ANYTHING that looked like a PM company… I glanced down at my paper, sure that I had made a mistake. … Nope. This was the place. But wait… it looked like an…. Employment agency.

 Now don’t get me wrong, employment agencies can be great. They can help you find a job and i'm sure they are wonderful. But that was NOT what I was looking for. AND the woman on the phone had LIED to me!

 “Alright,” I think “I may as well give it a shot, i'm already dressed up and here!”

So I go in.

 To an empty reception area that is about 8x8 with a sign TAPED to the counter

 “Please ring bell for service and someone will be with you shortly.” 

 I ring the bell.

And then stand there.

And stand there

And stand there…

 Five minutes later a woman walks out with a mouth full of food and asks me “YES?!” like I have just said something completely rude and am totally inconveniencing her.

Now at this point I am still tyring to be professional so I hide my chagrin and reply “Hello. My name is Casey Noe. I am here for an interview with Ms. Beaverhausen.” (obviously not her real name…)

“uh huh…. Ok well Ill let her know you are here. Take a seat.”

 TAKE A SEAT? How about WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A SEAT or even PLEASE HAVE A SEAT? Im not in 5th grade lady!

 So I sit.

 And I sit

 And I sit.

 I SIT FOR 20 FUCKING MINUTES IN THIS OFFICE.

I can HEAR them past the paper thin closed door discussing the other applicants, how much they dislike their job and the fact that they are going to keep me waiting.

 I check my phone. It’s now 20 minutes past when my interview was supposed to start. I have 40 minutes left on my lunch. I decide I will give her another 5 minutes before I leave.


  STEP ONE


I start playing on my phone. NOW I KNOW you aren't supposed to be on your phone when you are waiting for an interview. I KNOW THIS. I've interviewed enough people and if I saw that… oh HELLLLLLL NO.

 But at this point… I really don’t care anymore.

Im irritated im at an employment agency.

Im irritated the woman was rude to me.

Im irritated they are keeping me waiting and I can HEAR THEM.

Im also irritated because there is a burger king across the street I could be stuffing my face at and im NOT.

 Im Facebook stalking people when I remember to check the time. Its been six minutes. I stand up to leave. I don’t want this job ANYWAY! I am beyond pissed… and the door opens and a 12 year old girl walks out with a clipboard.

 OK OK OK, she wasn't 12 but she sure as shit looked like it!

 “Hi there!” she says in a high pitched valley girl voice that immediately makes me want to punch her square in her face... “You must be Casey! Sorry to keep you waiting!”


 STEP TWO 


 I glare at her. “Yep. That’s me.”

 She looks a bit taken aback. Probably because she’s TWELVE, I’m three feet taller than her, I’m dressed better than she is and I am now PISSED OFF.

 “Sorry to keep you waiting!” she gushes at me “Won’t you come back to my office and we can get started?” I follow her to her office, shooting daggers into her back the entire way.

 “Would you like a drink?” she asks me, all bubbly like I’m NOT giving her a death glare.


 STEP THREE 


 “I’d love a glass of Pinot if you have one.” I tell her.

She looks at me blankly. I’m not even sure if she knows that I just asked her for alcohol…

“I don’t think we have any ha ha, but we have some water…” she looks confused

“I’m fine.” I bite back.

“Ok well why don’t we get started?”

She proceeds to ask me the most POINTLESS STUPID questions. Like… directly from googling “Interview questions to ask for a property manager position.” I know this because I googled that same thing. FIVE YEARS AGO. 


 STEP FOUR


I answer all her questions in monosyllable responses.

Do I have experience in commercial property management? Yep.

Do I have experience supervising groups of 4 or more? Yep

Can I tell her about a time I had to provide excellent customer service? Yep

She asks me about a typical day. About my ‘management style’ and as she goes on it becomes more and more obvious she has NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT A PROPERTY MANAGER EVEN DOES.


 STEP FIVE 


I get out my nail file and start working on my nails.

 She tells me that mainly what the company is looking for is someone with a positive attitude. A Real people person.


 STEP SIX 


 I ignore her.

 She asks me if I have any questions

“What is the name of the company?” I inquire.

‘I’m sorry” she replies “I cant tell you that.”

“What is the salary?” I ask

“I really cant give you that information” she tells me.

 I glare at her again.


 STEP SEVEN


 “Do you know ANYTHING?” I ask her, as condescending as I can.


 STEP EIGHT


I take out my phone and send a text


 She asks me why I want the job


 STEP NINE 


 “To be blatantly honest with you… I don’t.”

She looks confused. “Then why are you here?”


 STEP TEN 


 “Because you LIED to me on the phone and I thought this was a legitimate property management job”

She stammers… “I lied to you? ”

“Yes young lady, you sure did. And I don’t appreciate the waste of my time.”

 I get up. I walk out.



 Needless to say… I did NOT get a job offer…

What mornings with a child look like

My mornings getting ready with Jordan:

Wake up sweetie! its morning! 

How did you sleep? 

sure, tell me about your dream.

Ok, now its time to get out of bed kiddo.

Seriously J. Get up. 

I love you too.

Thats enough stretching. Up. 

You are going to be late for school! If I have to take you I am going to be irritated...

Get out of bed! 

Well then you should have gone to bed when I told you, sorry 'bout cha! 

Han Solo will not be mad if you get up. 

JORDAN! GET YOUR ASS UP!

Then you should have gotten up, and I wouldn't have had to yell!

No you can not wear your Easter dress today. you have PE. 

I don't care if the other girls wont think you're fancy.

put on shorts and a tee shirt!

I SAID SHORTS AND A TEE SHIRT!

Why are you wearing your dress shoes?

STOP CHANGING YOUR SHIRT! The one you had on was FINE.

Jordan, we only have 30 minutes until the bus comes! 

get your shoes on and go brush your teeth and hair!

Why do you have on dress shoes? Get on your sandals or tennis shoes!

Stop trying to ride the dog! he doesn't like it!

Why is the dog wearing your shirt? 

put it in the dirty laundry and find a clean shirt now.

Go brush your teeth!

are your teeth brushed yet? 

Where are your shoes?

GET YOUR SHOES ON WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE!

have you brushed your teeth? what about your hair?

well, go brush your hair.

then you should have brushed it last night like I told you to!

stop crying, its just BRUSHING YOUR HAIR. everyone has to do it!

Ok, fine, you're right. Pete doesn't have to brush his hair. now SCOOT!

is your hair brushed?

are your teeth brushed?

Where are your shoes? Come here and i will put them ON you myself.

well then, you should have picked them out like I told you to!

HOW could you have brushed your teeth when your toothbrush is in my room? 

GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

Now downstairs! 

No I'm not packing your lunch! we have five minutes until we have to go!

Did you feed the chicks? 

Well go feed the chicks!

RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT ON THE BACK PORCH JORDAN!

WHY ARENT YOU WEARING ANY SHOES??

NO YOU CANT WEAR YOUR DRESS BOOTS! GET YOUR SANDALS ON RIGHT NOW!

Why did you put on socks with sandals? You look ridiculous. take those off. 

Where is your backpack?

Check the dining room.

What do you mean you don't know? It goes in the dining room or by the door when you finish your homework! Go look for it! 

Is it in your room?

I found it. In the dining room. I thought you said you looked there?

Well, I told you to look there! 

Put on your jacket.

You left it at school again? they have more jackets there than we do here!

Run upstairs and grab one. and PUT YOUR SHOES ON! 

Where is your other shoe? 

Get it on. Now. 

Ok. outside. 

NO I DIDN'T MAKE YOUR LUNCH! you can eat what they have at school!!!!!! 

Without Jordan: 

Now... where is my coffee?