and this is why im not allowed to type what i think

So. Im really a hateful, spiteful bitch.

Ive noticed this lately, and much more so whenever im trolling facebook.

i dont like 1/3 of the people im ''friends'' with.

Why keep them as friends? You may ask...

Simple. So i can make fun of them to myself.

Duh.

Im mature like that.

So. Back to the topic.

I decided to make note of every thought i had on facebook for 24 straight hours. And so, i present to you...

''And this is why im not allowed to type what i think''

(Other title contenders were ''and this is why im a hateful bitch'', ''and this is why i shouldnt have a facebook'' and ''and this is why i have no friends'')


What the hell is cathy doing on facebook at 6AM?

I hope this like isnt an 'answers' one. They always freeze up my phone...

Haha tom hanks is funny. I really enjoyed him in castaway.

Stupid 'answers' page....

Hahaha she got fat.

Ooh, now i want starbucks!

Omg STOP SENDING ME GAME INVITES!

Awwww i want a baby....

Ooh, he got HOT!

Why yes! I want to know the new super food that allows me to eat whatever i want and shed pounds!

Hahaha that cat thinks its people...

Bitch.

What?! An ice cube that looks like the 'tardis'? I NEED THIS!!

Han solo is so hot. Wow... im a nerd...

What? He got married? Wow...

No one cares...

Haha. duck face? More like platupus face. Haha, good one casey... platypus face...

Your baby looks like an old man.

Im glad i dont have a baby.

Ugh...get a real JOB!

Who the hell would marry HER?

Haha. Thats a tiny ass ring. Good.

Speaking of tiny ass... i wonder what kaylas up to?

What? You cleaned the house, did laundry, made food, helped your kid with homework, AND managed to make dinner? Welcome to BEING AN ADULT.

I want a new car!

Hahaha i love 'ecards'

Yeah, ok. Nice bible verse. NO BODY FORGOT WHAT A SLUT YOU WERE IN COLLEGE.

What the hell does 'MCW' mean?

Awwww i miss her.

Jesus shit WE GET IT. Youre a ''photographer''... you had a ''kid''...9000000 pictures later...

Ooh, packers! I like aaron rodgers. Butt. Giggity.

Oh no, he died? Wait... who the hell is that??

Makeup tricks? I need those!

Those makeup tricks were stupid. Who has time to heat their eye lash curler? Who has time to USE their eye lash curler?

Your political views are stupid.

I hate obama.

Somebody got hit with the UGLY STICK!

Mmmm....cupcakes...

I need to finish my taxes...

Wow...drama queen! She just wants attention... i should read back thru her posts to figure out exactly what is going on...

Well, thats what you get for being a DIRTY SKANK WHORE.

Haha that dog looks like Chewbacca....

Ooh, pinterest!

Haha. This relates to me.

Ooh...thor...*drools*

I should FB stalk donna...

WHAT?! $29.99 for ray bans?!


I really wish people would stop selling shit on FB... i dont want mary kay, visalus shakes or any GODDAMN JEWELRY IN CANDLES!!





Ive concluded this:

I spend entirely too much time on facebook.

And this is why i will still be fat in 2016

So. Its that time of year… RESOLUTION TIME!

Ie: saying you are going to do something to improve yourself and then…. Not.

I was giving some thought to what my resolution would be this year…

Drink less? Smoke less? Be a nicer person in general? Clean up my vocabulary? FUCK THAT. Get me a beer and a smoke you worthless POS.

I digress.

What are some resolutions that I can actually keep? I don’t want to make another one this year that WE ALL know isn’t really going to happen…. I'm not even going to pretend that i'm going to go on a diet. HAVE YOU SEEN ME? I like food WAAAAY too much. Psh.

After much thought and introspection… I present to you……

 

My 10 New Year’s Resolutions!!

(Drum roll, please)

1. I will exercise until I absolutely cannot do it anymore

 Which is usually about 3 and a half minutes.

Or if I don’t have anyone to watch Jordan.

Or if I can’t afford to go to the gym. Or if it’s raining, snowing, foggy, too hot, too cold and/or humid.

Also if it’s too dry.

 

2. I will not smoke as much.

 I will also not smoke as less. I will smoke the exact same amount as I now smoke. But perhaps make a conscious effort for the first week or so of 2015 to reduce my nicotine intake.

3. I will take a trip.

At least 20 miles from home. Ha. I’ll drive from Raeford to the far side of Fayetteville.

4. I will walk more by parking far from wherever I am going

 Unless it is cold, raining, I am in a hurry, have Jordan with me, I am carrying things, wearing uncomfortable shoes, have to pee or just plain don’t feel like it....

 

5. I will drink more water.

There is water in coffee and wine… Also in diet coke, Captain Morgan and Red Bull…

 

6. I will keep my house cleaner.

At least parts that can be seen from the road. And when I have company coming over…

 

7. I will lose 10 pounds.

 I may have to cut my hair, shave my legs and get a new scale…

 

8. I will learn to speak a different language

Cockney  is my new language of choice. ‘Ello Luv! ‘ows about yew give me a lady godiva so me’s and my china plate can go get Brahms and Liszt, Wot say yew? (Poor Pete…)

 

9. I will learn a new song to sing.

Loudly in the shower. Hahaha pete is DOOMED

 

10. I will eat foods that are better for me.

Mainly wine and chocolate.

WHAT? Wine and chocolate are good for you!

See attached link that doesn’t actually go anywhere about the health benefits of wine, chocolate and wendys.

www.bullshitlinkaboutwineandwendys.com

5. I will drink more water – as long as cofffee counts
6. I will keep my house clean – at least the parts that people can see from the road.
7. I will lose 10 lbs – I might have to cut my hair, shave my legs and get a new scale.
8. I will learn to say hello in 3 languages, including English.
9. I will learn the words to one song and sing it in the shower, loud.
10. I will eat foods that are better for me. mainly wine and chocolate.
5. I will drink more water – as long as cofffee counts
6. I will keep my house clean – at least the parts that people can see from the road.
7. I will lose 10 lbs – I might have to cut my hair, shave my legs and get a new scale.
8. I will learn to say hello in 3 languages, including English.
9. I will learn the words to one song and sing it in the shower, loud.
10. I will eat foods that are better for me. mainly wine and chocolate.

11. Refinance my Car!

Haha. Ok ok, I already did this one… but it was on DEC 31, still counts. And I can actually say I did this one!

Can I also say I LOVE SECU???? Hot damn! I saved almost $4000! (thank you pete! Xoxo)

 

12. I will be a kinder, more patient Mother

 

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... I couldn't even TYPE that with a straight face....