Mondays... 'nuff said.

So. Today SUCKED.

Lets forget the fact that its MONDAY. One of the most EVIL HORRIBLE STUPID FUCKING DAYS IN THE WORLD.

Lets forget that it’s a short week, and ive got the 4^th coming up. Followed by my BEST FRIEND FROM WISCONSIN COMING TO SEE ME the week after.

Its Monday. Im in an ok mood…  I come in from a looooooooong, relaxing weekend to CLUSTERFUCKCITY!!!!!!

Im wading my way through piles of crap.

Ive got two pages of shit to do, and people KEEP CALLING ME.

FIX YOUR OWN DAMN LIGHTBULBS ARE YOU STUPID?

Trying to figure out how to fix messes that ARENT MY FAULT because NO ONE LISTENS TO ME.

Trying not to lose my shit.

WHY THE HELL IS IT MY JOB TO KNOW YOUR HOUSE IS IN FORECLOSURE?? LAST TIME I CHECKED I WASN’T ON THE MORTGAGE. I ONLY KNOW WHAT YOU TELL ME!!

Sitting at my desk ready to cry as my boss sends me email after email, file after file of crap that I shouldn’t have to do… added to my already overloaded day….

Oh, you decided NOT to get the house cleaned and now I have to do it? Thanks assface.

Yelling at maintenance just to have my boss (who told me to yell at maintenance) turn around and say it was NBD. *flips boss off*

Ok then. We will keep wasting company money.

EITHER IM HIS BOSS OR NOT. AND IF I AM YOU HAVE TO PAY ME MORE!!!!

Trying to get some sympathy from the MAN who can only tell me everythings going to be ok (HOW DARE HE, I WANTED HIM TO BE PISSED FOR ME!!) lol

Today has been the ONLY day ive HATED my job. And let me tell you, that kicks you right in the gut.

It would almost be better if it was horrible every day. Then at least id know what I was in for.

Then.

THEN

I go to lunch with my two favorite ladies in the world. Last minute. Cicis pizza. Nothing expensive. We sit and talk for an hour and a half. (because fuck you im not going back in yet)

Cathy listens to me vent, gets appropriately pissed, and lets me ramble about whatever I want. AFTER paying for supper. THEN gets me dessert. (AFTER I was a dick, knocked her phone on the ground, almost broke it and refused to apologize like I was a spoiled 6 year old)

Jordan gives me a huge sticky hug, tells me maybe I should just punch my boss, and offers me some macaroni and cheese pizza, (this is a big deal. Macaroni and cheese is her FAVORITE) and took retarded pictures with me

 

Sometimes it’s the little things. That are really big things. And totally made it so I could get through the day.

 

Thanks ladies. Xoxoxo

 

Quotes From Jordan

On the drive this morning:
Jordan: Mom, do you think God has a huge pile of bones?
Me: A WHAT??
Jordan: A huge pile of bones. for all the people he has to make...
Me: oh... uh... I don't know?
Jordan: I think he does. and when he gets tired, maybe he takes a break and watches TV.
Me: uhh... maybe...?
Jordan: I think he does. I think he watches House.

 

Jordan: Mom! whats our phone number?
Me: (gives her number) Why do you ask?>
Jordan: (as she copies number down) I need to give it to Tate! I PROMISED him he could come over to watch a boy show!
Me: a boy show?
Jordan: Yeah! We can watch the avengers!!!

 

Jordan (while throwing a ball): I catched it!
Me: you CAUGHT it.
Jordan: I caught it!
she does it again.
Jordan: I catched it!
Me: you CAUGHT it.
she throws it again and misses
Jordan: AWWW.... I DIDNT CAUGHT IT!

 

jordan is mad at me because ''you and the dog keep making fun of me!!''

 

jordan: mom, feel this pillow. its really warm.
me: ok...
jordan: you can use it if you want to!
me: aww, thanks sweetie! *places pillow under head*
jordan: you know how come its so warm?
me: no. how come?
jordan: i farted on it.

 

me: ''ok J, how do i look?''
jordan: ''hot...and dangerous. all the boys at work will love you''

(interior. darkness. a lone light illuminates the room. it flashes. *3:17* 3:17* 3:17* SUDDENLY the silence is shattered by a terrifying, inhuman screaming...)

Jordan: WAHHHHHHHHHH MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
me: (sits up in bed, grabbing for nearest weapon. light saber flashlight. oh good, if its rabbid ewoks we may have a chance) ''who? what? whats wrong? fnarfgle? are you ok? whats HAPPENING??

jordan: ''I had a baaaad dre-am! WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Me: (calms down) ''oh. are you ok? what about?''
Jordan: ''I had a dream zeppelin ATE my i-pod cover!''
 me:...Uh...jordan...
 Jordan: *sobs*
Me:... bird, you dont HAVE an i-pod...
Jordan: "I KNOOOOWWWWWWWW but i had a dream you gave me one and zeppelin ate the cover! i hate him! yets (lets*) get a NEW dog!"
me: "Because he ate your i-pod cover? in your dream?"
Jordan: ''Yes! i really wanted that i-pod!!''
me:...''but you dont have an i-pod...''
Jordan: BUT I REALLY WANTED IT!! (falling back asleep by this point) "can i have one? when im eight or nine or ten....zzzzz""

 me: ''no.'' 

I hate the park

I straight up, 100%, undeniably, without a doubt HATE the park.

Judge me all you want. I still hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate having to pack to go there, I hate all the other little kids there, I hate the drama associated with leaving.

Let me just go through this step by step..

Every once in a while I get this random hair to do stuff that’s fun with J. But since I don’t always have the money to go all out (and I LOATHE chuck e cheese… but that’s another post altogether) I have these moments of INSANITY where I think:

“What the hell? Lets go to the park! It will be fun”

No. no it will not be fun. I wish I could slap that ‘happy optimistic trying to be a good mom’ me.

We have to PACK to go to the park. Because I have a kid, and things cant just be EASY. Because WITHOUT a doubt if I DON’T bring wipes, an umbrella, a drink and a change of clothes, it will rain, Jordan will play in the mud and become somehow dehydrated. Trust me.

Finally get my shit together, get it in the car, get J in the car.

(after a 20 minute argument about what she is going to wear to the park. I vote play clothes, she wants to wear a dress. This is just STUPID. You DO NOT wear a dress and dress shoes to the park. How can you swing and slide and run in a DRESS and dress shoes? AND I DON’T CARE IF EVERYONE WILL THINK YOU ARE UGLY!**woooooo saaaaaaa**)

Get to the park. Unload my pack of shit, sadly I didn’t bring a damn Sherpa to carry it all.

Where is my kid? I TOLD HER TO STAY HERE. Oh, there she is. On the monkey bars.

JORDAN GET YOUR ASS OFF THE MONKEY BARS!

J: “But mooommmmmm, I LIKE the monkey bars! I can do them!”

Me: “no. no you cant.”

J: “Yes! I can!”

Me: “No. Last time we had this discussion and you IGNORED me and went on the monkey bars you BROKE YOUR DAMN ARM. That proves that you, in fact, CAN NOT do the monkey bars. WE WILL LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!” (half of me hopes she keeps arguing with me so we can leave… ive already realized how horrible this idea was)

I sit down on a nice bench, light up a cigarette. (hey, I am far enough away to not bother the kids with my smoke, and close enough to see Jordan. Get off my back)

Then BAM there is this freakish little girl right beside me.

Me: “Uhm hi… where is your parent?” Looks around… no parents…

Small creepy child “I HAVE TO GO POTTY”

Me: “that’s nice. You should go find your mommy.” Continues with my cigarette

SCC: “CAN YOU PUSH ME ON THE SWINGS?”

Does this child not have a volume button?

Me: “you see that little girl over there? Im HER mommy and im not even pushing HER on the swings. No. you really should go find your parents.”

SCC: *Points at my water* “CAN I HAVE SOME OF THAT??”

Me: “No.”

She pouts. I continue to ignore her. She finally leaves, heads for the small creek. Thank god.

I really don’t like random kids. I don’t even like my friends kids half the time, but ive got to deal with them so I can see my friends (yes, you donna J) I don’t even like mine half the time.

I check on J, shes found a new BEST friend and is happily playing on the swings.

I sit there for a bit longer until I remember my trashy romance novel in the car. I go grab it, and settle in for a bit. This really isn’t so ba….

J: “MOM!! I FOUND A SUCKER!”

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck….

Me: “PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!!! *runs across park, grabs sucker OUT OF HER MOUTH and throws it away. THAT IS SO GROSS! WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT? EEEEEEWWWWWWWW  JORDAN!!”

Proceed with speech about how we cant just eat food we find on the ground, or under tables. Why its bad for us, I DON’T CARE IF IT STILL TASTES GOOD…. Fml.

Go sit back down. SCC wanders by, sees me and acts like shes going to head my way, but I scare her off with a glare. Where are her parents?? I don’t really care all that much, I continue with my book and another cigarette. By this point weve been at the park a VERY VERY VERY VERY long 30 minutes and im about done with it.

I go wrangle up my small child, who OF COURSE starts to cry and try to make deals with me about WHY we should stay at the park longer. Just 5 more minutes? Just 7 more minutes? (she really doesn’t get how this works…) Until I give in and bribe her with ice cream if we can JUST LEAVE.

I get all the random crap together and lug it to the car. Im just about to get in when I notice I CANT FIND JORDAN. AGAIN.

She has run off to hug her BEST FRIEND goodbye. I yell at her to get in the damn car, and were off. After the 10 minutes it takes her to buckle up.

 

I conveniently forget to get  ice cream on the way home.

Shes covered with sand, sticky and sweaty. Which means a bath. Which is a pain in itself…

 

I really hate the park.

And this is how i lost my shit.

Wake up at 4AM to the man yelling at the dog. (side note, the dog is an asshole. He knows how to listen, but only chooses to do so when its convenient for him. so, I guess the dog is just MALE.) APPARENTLY he decided he needed to eat ANOTHER of my bras. (the dog, not the man). NOW normally this would be at least partially my fault for leaving my bras all over the bedroom. (don’t judge me. I get home, they come off. It’s a small miracle they aren’t all over the kitchen!) BUT we had just had this issue the week before and he ate THREE of them, so I KNOW this one was picked up. WHY wasn’t he in his INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE (in theory, in actuality I stold the crate from a friend) crate, you ask? BECAUSE said MAN feels bad for him being in there all night. Well, I feel bad for my wallet and the $100 worth of bras the damn DOG just ATE!!

 

I fall back asleep, wake up to my alarm at 6. 6:10, 6:20, and 6:30 before I finally get out of bed. I have a text from said aforementioned man. He forgot his court stuff and can I PLEASE send him the time and courtroom number? It should be in his box of important documents. Now, I need to point out two things before I continue.

1.    Don’t think hes a lawyer. He isn’t. he just got a speeding ticket.

2.    The information WAS NOT in the box. Or on the porch. It was where it was SUPPOSED to be, but where I didn’t look because its NEVER where its SUPPOSED TO BE. So it took 20 minutes to find.

Then I went and woke J up. I thought it would be nice to climb in bed and snuggle with her for a few minutes. She woke up and immediately argued with me about what she was doing at the YMCA today. (I KNOW shes going to the water park TOMORROW. She KNOWS shes going to the water park TODAY) So we had an incredibly pointless argument for about 10 minutes before I informed her “I am 26 and smarter than you are. Put your pants on and go brush your teeth.” I like to feel like I won that one.

 

10 minutes later, a very grouchy 5 year old enters my room and proceeds to try to find my hairbrush. Why cant she use hers, you ask? This is a very good question. PROBABLY because my daughter has the singular ability to LOSE every single hairbrush she touches. This is not an exaggeration. I have had four in the last year. She has had three.  And this fact makes me SO MAD I have TOLD her she is BUYING the next one she loses. But this time, she cannot use my hairbrush because she LOST it the week before. So she wants to use the mans. Except we cant find it. ANYWHERE. BECAUSE she used it the day before, and I am convinced, lost it then. So I decided she needed to learn a little lesson and made her search for it for 30 minutes. Nada. We then got into a very serious conversation about being responsible for hers, and other peoples, things. It was very calm and some pretty damn good parenting, if you ask me. She did not agree. She had a meltdown that ended with me taking away her birthday party (yes, yes I did) and her crying. And then, by this point, me crying.

 

We finally get our shit together and out the door (only one lost shoe, a water bottle and snack issue later) and are on our way when I get a text from said man.

 

He decided he needed to look nice for court and took his brush with him this morning.