Ex's and Oh No's...

Ok so I know it’s been a while, but I am having ISSUES. ... I am having a really hard time with my husband's Ex. And I’m sick of not having a voice and not being able to speak up. If I had my way I would call her out and we would throw down at this point because I am SO OVER HER SHIT. I’m done being quiet and putting up with her crap and her having NO consequences for being a waste of space!

Here is a little backstory.... we live in NC. The ex lived in MS. Ever since josh and I got together she has had an issue with me. She never met or talked to me, she just decided she didnt like me. I seemed “off” to her and she just had a “bad feeling”… about ME? I mean im a pretty upstanding citizen. I don’t even have any damn speeding tickets! I’m a good mom, I work hard, I pay my bills… meanwhile SHE was unemployed, being evicted, 99% sure on DRUGS and raising her daughter in the worst way possible. She was jealous that Josh had moved on (and told him as much). She wouldn’t let my husband see or talk to her when I was around. She talked shit about me to everyone – including M-, stalked my social accounts, the whole shebang.

Fast forward. We have Harper in March, Got married in april.

Then one night in May we get a phone call from her BROTHERS FIANCE – The Ex has taken a bunch of pills and she’s in the psych ward in Jackson! She refused to tell josh, and lied to everyone and said she had. When we finally find M (josh’s daughter), she is staying with the LANDLORD. Not one of the MULTIPLE family members who live in the same town as her, oh no, the LANDLORD.

So we drop everything and drive to MS to get M. We get her from a teacher (?) who acts like we are criminals. We go to get her stuff and there is no furniture or food in the house.

M has been with us since and things have been ... rough. We had to get her new clothes and school supplies because she didn’t have any… She’s behind socially and some in the classroom. She has imaginary friends and was getting bullied in class for her odd behaviors. She didn’t know how to interact with other people! She didnt know how to follow rules or behave….  WHY? I’ll tell you why. Because The Ex HOMESCHOOLED her, but all her classes were online and THE EX DIDN’T HAVE INTERNET (so HOW was she learning? Hmm… SHE WASN’T). And the ex had her on so many meds she was zonked out all the time! So M had no idea how to behave. She couldnt brush her hair, button her pants, shower correctly… she had no concept of chores or any responsibility whatsoever. Socially she’s at about a 6 year old level. And because this is my blog – the kid was just WEIRD. She did this annoying laugh all for attention, got in people’s faces, didn’t give them any space, told on all the kids in class, avoided any type of physical activity like the plague, was OBSESSED with food and the TV…. It was BAD.

And did I mention the drugs? She was on TWO different ADHD drugs AND adult doses of melatonin. Drugs she has now been taken OFF of, and after being evaluated by two doctors and her counselor (who she has been seeing for months) SHE DOESN’T HAVE ADHD. SHE DOESN’T NEED TO BE MEDICATED. Her mom was just doing it so she didn’t have to deal with her BECAUSE SHES LAZY AND HORRIBLE.

We got her into counseling and have all been working to handle all the new changes. Because I get that this is totally different for her. For EVERYONE!

Well we were doing really well with stuff. I mean, M was still totally lazy but she was doing better. She was doing chores, better in school, she was learning how to behave and had a routine.

THEN THEN THEN THE EX DECIDES SHE NEEDS TO FUCKING MOVE HERE.

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

OK I get wanting to be closer to your kid – I’m not a complete bitch – but COME ON!

So we tell her she needs to find a place, and find a job before she moves. Of course she doesn’t. She gets here and is renting a ROOM. And has no job. So I suck it up and find her a job with a friend. Despite my better judgement. I was trying to be NICE. I figured it would be better for everyone if she was doing well.

Yeah news flash – that was a fucking mistake. She has since spent the last 3 months doing nothing but make excuses. She can’t take M, she has to work. She can’t buy M clothes, she’s always broke. She cant feed M, she’s broke. For the most part I make sure M has what she needs. I make sure she has shoes and clothes that fit. I make sure she has shampoo and snacks because her mom will NOT step up.

So shes here, but she isn’t seeing M at all. Then she would text and want to get M at the last minute. Always randomly when it was convenient for her, fuck everyone else.

So we told her she had to have a visitation schedule. Sorry but I have a life and need to be able to plan around her shit. She has a fit. She has to work, she can’t take M every other weekend blab la bla. But wasn’t M the entire reason she moved up here??

BUT she seems to have forgotten that I GOT HER A JOB WITH MY FRIEND so I KNOW that she has VOLUNTEERED to work all those shifts when she refuses to see her daughter. I know she’s LYING about being at work and was at the bar (and again, idc what the fuck she does, but her whole reason for moving here was to SEE HER KID MORE and she ISNT)…

This whole time she keeps saying she’s looking for a place of her own so she can take M more, but SHE STILL HAS NO MONEY SAVED. She works ALL THE TIME according to her, and has few bills, and doesn’t do SHIT for her kid sooooo… I’m confused and think this is a bunch of bull SHIT.

 Now add to the mix her shady ass “friend” who has been around every time M is there for the last few weeks. Her shady ass friend we haven’t met, who – frankly – looks like a pedo. I have no idea if he is or not but I do know two things. A. we asked her not to have M around him until we met him and she’s lying which seems shady and B. I know how The Ex is and the people she DOES associate herself with and that’s enough for me to know he’s probably SHADY AS FUCK. She wouldn’t let me around M for a YEAR because of a feeling – but after two weeks this dude has all but moved in? uhm no.

There is never any consistency when she does take her. She feeds her shit (despite being asked repeatedly not to), she won’t make her do anything that resembles a chore or responsibility (despite promising us and the therapist she would to help lend some consistency to Ms life) and most of the time they just lay around and eat shit. PUT IN SOME EFFORT YOU WASTE OF SPACE!! Take her to the PARK! Paint her nails! Make cookies! DO SOMETHING aside from taking her to SHADY MF’ers house and not paying attention to her or lying in bed all day! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK??!

The bitch is still getting food stamps and benefits from MS so she has NO excuse to feed her. She doesn’t have to pay child support… nada.

And of course now that mom is back in the picture M has an attitude with me. It’s turned into "you're not my mom" with me and our relationship has taken a huge hit. And I mean how could it not, The Ex spent a year and a half talking shit about me to M! M knows how she feels about me and that’s her MOM so if she DOES like and listen to me, then shes betraying her mom! The Ex says she isn’t talking shit, but she says a lot of things and I don’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

Saturday was Ms bday. And oh the drama. The Ex told us a couple weeks ago she was doing a party for M. At her work (which isn’t a kids party location tbh). She already has all the details. Ok cool. Whatever. We had a party planned but if The Ex is gunna do it I’m not gunna fight with her – let her. IM TRYING TO BE NICE!  Then she gets pissed cuz we don’t want to go. To her party that she is throwing M. After all that shit ^^ I don’t want to even see the bitch! She pulls the whole ‘can’t we at least come together for Ms birthday’ guilt trip. BITCH last year you wouldn’t even let josh TALK to M on her b.day cuz I was around!! So don’t even pull that shit!

Like two weeks before the party a friend of mine (who’s kid M gave an invitation) shows me the invite and the dates are wrong. I tell her the right date etc.

Fast forward to josh letting The Ex know the invites had the wrong date and “Well thanks a lot josh and I bet you didn’t even bother to correct them when you knew the dates were wrong you knew I was sending them home with M ” HOLD UP one sec… I must have missed where it was our job to check HER invites before they went out?

So no one rsvp’s and The Ex cancels the party. And now we aren’t throwing her one so… M has no party.

She went with her mom Friday and they went to Wendy's (with shady mo fo). She had cake and got two presents. That was it.  We got her sat and opened presents took her to get her ears pierced, to the parade, made bath bombs, went out to eat, then came home and had cake. Sunday she went back to her moms for the day and "laid around and ate a lot of junk all day" her mom had promised her they would do "mani panis" and she didn’t even paint her nails at home! Then she tells josh ‘well I called and the place only had an apt for sat at 1’ – THERE ARE LIKE SIXTY SEVEN MOTHER FING NAIL PLACES IN FAYETTEVILLE YOU SOW!

And the poor kid was so heartbroken! And I'm not saying she has to spend a lot of money, but make some f-ing effort! Paint her nails at home! DO SOMETHING except lay around all day!

So last night at 12 guess who throws up all over... yep, M. And guess who has to take off work with a sick little girl (IT WASN’T HER MOM!!) Because "she’s broke and has to work".... woooosaaaaaa.....

So you might suggest not letting M spend time with The Ex – well then her behavior drops to the point where I don’t want to be around her. She won’t listen, she talks back, she takes 2 hours to sweep the kitchen and and and… And since I am the one who is with her the most, It affects me the most. Plus she wouldn’t dare act that way around josh...

I pick her up every day, help her with homework, supervise chores etc all while working, taking care of the baby, helping J, making dinner and doing all my shit around the house until josh gets home between 730 – 8. And to be honest again, I resent that. I have got a whole lot of shit going on and BOTH her parents now live here sooooo WHY am I the one pulling all the weight? It is great when she can go to her mom’s so I can get a BREAK. But on the other side of that, I don’t think going to her mom’s is the answer.

You know, it’s not really M that is the issue anymore. Maybe at first, and maybe still on occasion but not more than any other kid… it’s the EX. I hate HER! I hate how she has fucked M up, I hate that because of her M is behind in LIFE and gets made fun of for it, I hate how she poisoned M against me, I hate that she didn’t even give me a damn chance, I hate the games, I hate that I tried to be nice to her and its blown up in my face, I hate the lies, I hate the trash and the drama and frankly I hate seeing or hearing her at this point. And I hate it the most that she is a BAD MOM. I gave her a chance. I gave her SEVERAL. But she has shown repeatedly and I am DONE.

isn't life a bitch sometimes?

If you had told me a year ago that my life would be where it is today… well, id probably have called you a damn liar and then gone and cried because MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS FALLING APART!!

Flashback. July 2017 – Feb 2018… AKA THE YEAR OF HELL.

I had recently left my husband, WHOM I had only been married to for 8 (horrible wasted) months. He didn’t want me around, but apparently didn’t want me to LEAVE either. The split didn’t go well and he had been harassing me for months at that point. Threatening to call the police because I “stole” items I bought, threatening to break into my house, making creepy comments about where my daughter went to school and so on. Funny how he never put that much effort into our relationship!

I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep. Id stay up until 2 or 3 am just because I was so convinced he was going to try something, and  when I DID try to sleep id have horrible dreams. When I finally couldn’t keep my eyes open id finally pass out.

I was lonely. Yeah, there were guys. There were a LOT of guys if we’re being honest (hey, I was trying to make up for 4 YEARS of sex MAYBE once a week with someone who acted like it was a CHORE to sleep with me AND THEN cheated on ME)

SIDE RANT. Im still pissed about THAT BULL SHIT. HE cheated on  ME. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? For those of you who have MET my ex – he was deff the reacher in the relationship. NO, I don’t think im some super hot super model blab la bla but I clean up to be a solid 7 when I try. And I have amazing tits, and my legs ROCK. I COULD HAVE CHEATED!!! REPEATEDLY!!! I WAS THE ONE BEGGING FOR SEX AND TRYING TO FIX SHIT!! AND I AM PRETTY GREAT IN BED!! 

Wooooo saaaaaaa….. anyway….. sorry about that….

I was broke AS FUCK. Said ex decided to max out all my credit cards, AND THEN tell my bank to take all my money out of my checking account to pay said bills... My OTHER waste of space ex was MIA and the child support had STOPPED coming in altogether (wonderful timing now that I have to pay ALL MY OWN DAMN BILLS). THIS all happened a week BEFORE Christmas.

I didn’t have a job –I lost my job THREE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS for a COMPLETELY BULL SHIT REASON. And couldn’t find a new job to save my life which was SUPER WEIRD to me. I had a ton of experience, a great resume… well, I found out months later that my old “friends” at work were hacking into my email and my ex boss was calling EVERY interview to talk shit about me. Well suck it ex boss, cuz I slept with your son… repeatedly… sooo…. Boom. (to clarify, this was before josh, his son was over 18)

I felt like shit about myself. I mean, can you blame me? A man who chased me for YEARS. LITERALLY YEARS PEOPLE. SINCE COLLEGE!! WHO I HAD MOVED TO NC FOR!! Decided to marry me and then cheat on me… REPEATEDLY!!  And kept LYING to me about stopping! He COMPLETELY stopped having sex with me (although if we are being honest, that had almost stopped before we even got married), would never do ANYTHING that involved him getting off his ass or leaving his garage, and had started to be REALLY MEAN. AND he made me feel like it was MY fault because he was BORED and I wasn’t meeting his needs. Now, I can get down with some kinky sex play, but the stuff he wanted to do was NOT something I enjoyed. A heads up on that BEFORE the wedding would have been awesome! Sick fuck.

CATHY kept telling me “God is doing this all for a reason” and in the middle of not being able to afford Christmas presents for my kid that was REALLY not helpful. “this is to push you to where you need to be” and I kept seeing all these quotes about the tallest tree is the one who has been through the storm but I couldn’t SEE the end of the storm in sight. No matter how hard I tried or how hard I worked I was just… a failure. A failure as a wife, a failure as a mom… I just sucked.

THEN… THENNNNNNNNN

I met an AMAZING man (who I almost fucked things up with… repeatedly…because I was too busy refusing to “compromise who I am” to stop being a bitch…because I had totally lost myself with the ex….) who is SUPER DAMN ATTRACTIVE. Like for real, the beard isn’t even FAIR… I just want to eat him up! And the SEX? HOT DAMN. Is all im gunna say cuz I don’t want to embarrass him… anyway, I met an amazing man,  who I have been with for TEN months with a BABY GIRL on the way (which I thought wasn’t even POSSIBLE!!) Who works hard, supports me in ways I didn’t even KNOW were a real thing (like going to EVERY baby dr apt with me, and helping me with J just because that’s how he is) I simply can NOT believe I get to come home to him every day, sleep next to him every night, kiss him whenever I feel like it and WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!! Im so freaking excited I cant even contain it.

check out that sexyness in a tux... 

I got an AWESOME job doing what I love doing with a great company! I have learned SO much and had so many doors opened up to me with this position. Plus its something im good at, that I have a passion for, not something I just got stuck with. My boss is awesome, and im not just saying that because I think she will read this. In fact, she’s probably way too busy to read this but still – she’s awesome.  

I still haven’t managed to make any close friends at work which is weird for me, I usually make at least ONE (I mean I HAD one but that’s a whole other LONG confusing issue on its own) and I really like several of the girls I work with, but it just hasn’t progressed to the lunch date/ texts after work/ hanging out on weekends kinda thing that I had hoped for. I mean I usually am awkward making friends with girls anyway so there is that… girls are so COMPLICATED like I cant just SAY what im thinking or they take it 87 different ways and then you try to go to the point and they are offended but you beat around the bush and they are offended and then they want to talk about makeup and clothes and my makeup is from WAL MART and my clothes… yeah, they fit me kinda… and sometimes match… but no one wants to talk about baseball or music or books or history or… yeah… its EXHAUSTING!

We moved out of the ghetto into a much nicer place in Hope Mills. It’s kinda small with baby on the way, but the plan is to buy in two years!  I’m now on the board for the chamber of commerce, I write for Up & Coming, plus a million other things AND I’ve started doing marketing on the side with my OWN business which I am SUPER proud about (gotta pay for the new baby somehow!)!

If Ex hadn’t cheated and been mean id never have left. If i hadnt left i wouldnt have been in a shitty situation that ended up effecting my job. If I hadn’t gotten fired id have never looked for a new job. I’d never have met josh, never have had the job I have or be where I am right now. (DID I MENTION THE BABY??!)

Yeahh id say all in all the last 10 months have been pretty damn fantastic. And once again…. Cathy was right. *cringes*… No one tell her I said that….

**disclaimer. all of this is based on my OPINION and should be taken as such. this blog is intended for amusement only and should not be taken as a statement of fact. 

The Dog Blog

It’s so exciting when you go to pick out a new pet. You get to play with it and snuggle it and take it for walks and it’s just GREAT! The whole process of getting a new pet is AWESOME and super exciting.

So you go out and you go shopping for your new pet. You want to be a good pet owner, and you want your pet to like you. You want to make sure that everything is just PERFECT for your new pet!

You make all the arrangements and then bring it home and things are great! Fido loves nothing more than to spend time with you in the yard, going for rides and cuddling on the couch. When he hears noises at night he is up and patrolling to make sure you’re safe. He thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread and follows you around- He seems like he can’t last for more than a few minutes without you. Everything you do is the BEST and he loves you UNCONDITIONALLY!

… for the first few months. But slowly your pet starts to get comfortable with you.…. and then he  keeps you awake all night and nags you every second of every single day. It doesn’t snuggle anymore, now it just hogs the bed and snores and farts. It doesn’t even want to play with you anymore, it just wants to lie around and do nothing…. And hardly even lifts its head when you get home from work.

They start to sleep through creepy noises at night, and companionship? FUCK THAT.  Sure, on occasion (when it’s convenient) it wants to go for a walk or play Frisbee but for the most part you are on your own. That unconditional love that was present at the beginning? Hope you took a fucking picture cuz it is GONE.

And then you start to regret getting the pet. It was a lot snugglier and active when you first got it… It liked to play more and well now … its just lazy… You haven’t changed, the damn dog has changed…  and all the reasons you got a dog in the first place are just kinda… gone…

So you try to get your four legged friend back to how he was before. You try to take him to do things he used to love, like going to the lake and going for car rides. But WHEN you can convince him to go he doesn’t seem to enjoy it… So you buy him new treats and toys to try to entice him into playing with you again… but he just wants to lay around and sleep… you make extra effort to get him to sleep in the bed with you but he just curls up and goes to sleep at the foot and THAT’S NO FUN. I SEE YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR OTHER DOG FRIENDS WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?! I just bought you this awesome new toy and you are IGNORING ME FOR A FUCKING STICK YOU DIRTY BASTARD DOG!

And by this point you have made all these COMMITMENTS to this dog because he didn’t SUCK before… so now what do you do? HE IS SERIOUSLY A COMPLETLEY DIFFERENT DOG! A dog who doesn’t really seem to even like you, or care that you are around as long as he gets fed… You can’t take him to the pound or try to re-home him because that just makes you an irresponsible pet owner! And what if he doesn’t like his new home? Or what if he NEVER FINDS a new home? You just can’t live with that kind of guilt…

THEN YOU FIND OUT THAT YOUR FUCKING DOG IS PLAYING WITH OTHER PEOPLE. ALL DAY. EVERY DAY. ALL THE TIME. EVER SINCE YOU FUCKING GOT HIM AND THIS ENTIRE TIME HE REFUSED TO PLAY WITH YOU BUT APPARENTLY HAD NO FUCKING ISSUES PLAYING WITH OTHER PEOPLE! AND I AM AMAZING AT PLAYING SO FUCK THAT SHIT!!!!

Pancakes

So for those of you who know me well, you know that I’m a bit of a foodie. I love food. I love making food, I love eating food, I love finding new places, I love taking my friends to said new places I’ve found… food just makes me happy… FOOD DOESN’T JUDGE!

Anyway.

Pancakes are one of my all time favorite foods. Why pancakes you ask? WHY NOT PANCAKES? You can put so much deliciousness inside and on top of them. You can make them “really thin little pancakes” and talk with a crazy Ricky Bobby accent and talk about Crepes…  

What better food is there after morning sex? THERE IS NONE. This is quite literally my new favorite fantasy. A morning spent in …bed sport… followed by pancakes….mmmmmmmm….. sweet sweet hotcakes…

SIDE NOTE: DID YOU KNOW…. There is no difference between hotcakes and pancakes. Both words describe the popular round, flat cakes cooked on a griddle or inside a skillet. In addition to hotcakes, pancakes go by other names, such as flapjack and griddle cake.?

 And…sadly…. *deep breath*… I cannot make them to save my life. DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!  Maybe that’s why I’m so fixated on them… they are my unicorn…

I know I know – they are incredibly easy to make, not that involved, you just do this and this and this and its just BISQUICK why cant you manage BISQUICK I KNOW THE RECIPE IS ON THE BOX DAMNIT !!! WELL GUESS WHAT!! I CANT DO IT OK?! GET OFF MY BACK. Fuck.

So im constantly trying to get people to make pancakes for me.  You think I’m kidding about this but to date this week I have asked FOUR people to make me pancakes. Not a single one of them has. Which really says something about the people I’m friends with – bastards won’t even make me pancakes!  WHY IS IT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE TO MAKE ME PANCAKES? I’m just saying…  I MAKE Y’ALL FOOD ALL THE DAMN TIME!

I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. I’ve tried to negotiate, bribe and threaten… nada.

The only person who makes me pancakes on command is Kayla and her dumb ass moved to Georgia.

I mean seriously… look at all that fluffy goodness….

I can eat the HELL out of pancakes but making them…

I seriously cant do it. Either the batter is lumpy, or too runny or not runny enough….

And then ASSUMING I get the batter right I have like the three bears pancakes going on.

One takes over the ENTIRE GRIDDLE

One is so teeny tiny Jordan wants to use it to play with her dolls

One has a misshapen head (that was the three bears, right?)

ASSUMING once again that I get the size down to something manageable I have NO idea what I’m looking for to tell if they are done. Is there a timer? Can I take the internal temperature? Like… five minutes good or closer to seven or  maybe four? And is that per side? WHEN DO I FLIP THEM?

Cathy said you have to look for the little bubbles… or something like that? But its PANCAKES so how are there bubbles – IM NOT MAKING SOUP!... she said something else…  I don’t really know, I wasn’t paying attention…  

Sometimes one side turns out really well. But then the other is burnt. Or not cooked. OR they LOOK cooked and I get really excited and take a big bite and…. Dough.

This is probably actually much better than how my attempts at pancakes turn out... Even JORDAN wont eat my nasty pancakes...

It really is an issue for me. I shouldn’t have to beg you people for pancakes!

Amanda just came in and sat down and asked what I was doing… I told her. She said she would make me pancakes. I said ok… WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES AMANDA?! I mean I want them RIGHT NOW why don’t you have the stuff to make them? WHY would you offer just to be a damn tease?

Here’s a recipe so yall bitches can get on the ball.

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/21014/good-old-fashioned-pancakes/ 

Fuck mother nature.

So. Those of you females out there blessed enough to get to experience the JOYS of PMS can probably relate to this one…

So. My day started off normal, like any other day. There were a few tell tale signs that should have keyed me in, but as my ‘lady time’ is irregular AS FUCK, im not too in tune to that kinda shit.

I messed up my eyeliner and almost started to cry.

My work day proceeded as normal with only a few small hiccups. I demolished some tootsie rolls and almost killed Mick for bringing Cheyenne spaghetti and not me.

I realized I forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer for dinner. I texted “MAX” (all names have been changed to protect the innocent) to ask if he could quick “run to the store and grab some meat I forgot to take any out to thaw.”

I get home. Ask him where the meat is. “In the microwave” he tells me.

I look in the microwave.

THERE IS A HUNK OF FROZEN SOLID CHICKEN SITTING IN THE MICROWAVE. THE ENTIRE POINT WAS FOR IT TO BE THAWED AND READY TO COOK WITH!!!

I almost started crying… almost.  So I proceed to defrost and prep the chicken. I almost start three fights with ‘max’ in the 20 minute process.

I decided I needed to go take a shower ASAP so I could have some me time to deal with my problems – AKA not kill ‘max’. Showers are my method of coping. Give me a cold beer and… well… I hope you don’t plan on seeing me for a WHILE. But you will hear me. Cuz my ass will be singing LOUD.

So im in the shower and im BAWLING. Like a fucking BABY. Like straight up UGLY CRYING. Snot and mascara running like it’s the Boston marathon. (too soon?)

I decide there is only one logical thing that will help.

CHOCOLATE. LOTS OF FUCKING CHOCOLATE.

But we have no chocolate.

I Start pounding on the bathroom wall and yelling for Jordan, who comes running. I tell her I NEED her to go grab “MAX” and tell him to take my debit card and go to the gas station and buy me chocolate.

About a minute later he comes upstairs and seems confused.

Now im not sure what could be LESS confusing about the situation

1. im in the shower crying like ET just died
2. I want chocolate

Its not the most complicated puzzle to put together here…

But nope. Not my man. My man offers me a half eaten chocolate alligator that’s been lost in his beer fridge since JUNE.

IF I DIDN’T EAT IT THEN WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO EAT IT NOW?

Now at this point I know that I’m not being the most …rational person in the world.

CHOCOLATE DOESN’T JUDGE ME! CHOCOLATE UNDERSTANDS!

But he is confused about what I want and I don’t care but I know I DON’T want what he is suggesting! I don’t want old ass chocolate I just want TWIX AND DONUTS AND STARBUCKS MOCHA FRAPPUCCHINO AND ALL THE CHOCOLATE! NOT YOUR GOD DAMN CHOCOLATE ALIGATOR!

If he cant go get me chocolate now what happens if we ever have a kid? IM GOING TO HAVE CRAVINGS AND WANT FOOD! This (hypothetical) pregnancy is going to SUCK.

Why doesn’t he love me enough to get me chocolate? THE GAS STATION IS ONLY LIKE THREE MINUTES AWAY!! I bet he would get his ex some chocolate

I don’t want him to get me chocolate anyway! If he doesn’t WANT to get it then I don’t WANT it! ASSHOLE! I bet he got his EX chocolate when SHE asked for it!

Omg he hates me! IF HE LOVED ME HE WOULD GET ME SOME FUCKING CHOCOLATE. 

Now have you ever seen/read ‘The Host’? Essentially this alien invades this girls mind and the girl is fighting it and arguing with it and trying to talk sense into it and get it out and take back over her mind. Shes trapped. In her own mind.

Basically that’s what had happened. And normal calm everyday Casey who isn’t a complete emotional psycho was trapped and couldn’t get out. I knew she was there, I could hear her telling me to calm down, that it wasn’t a big deal, that I was probably scaring ‘max’ and knock that shit off but BWA HA HA HA HA SHE WAS TRAPPED AND MR(S?) HYDE WAS FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

So I tell him never mind. I was even nice about it. I tell him I understand how that could be confusing and politely thank him. All the while im strangling my shampoo bottle.

I get out of the shower.

I sit on the bed naked for several minutes before I text Becky and express my warring desires – to stab ‘MAX’ vs. eat chocolate.

She invited me over to smoke.

And eat chocolate.

She had some. She understands.

Ah... I work out!

So. I’ve started dieting. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are. But the part that isn’t surprising?  IT FUCKING SUCKS.

DIET FOOD SUCKS.  You know those stupid slogans that say “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”? Yeah well FUCK THOSE. THEY ARE DIRTY FILTHY LIARS.

LOTS OF STUFF TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS! LIKE DONUTS AND FRENCH FRIES AND PIZZA AND BEER AND BURGERS AND FUCK YOU OK I'M STARVING OVER HERE!

I’ve been counting calories and watching what I eat and the whole shebang.

I’ve also been HANGRY for several weeks, so there is that… poor Pete.

And you know what else is SHOCKING?

IVE STARTED EXERCISING AS WELL!

Stop laughing, im serious.

Still no running tho…

I’ve drafted Becky and am making her join me in my torment. Not that Becky needs to exercise. I want to stab her skinny ass on a regular basis, in fact, when she complains about being “fat”

We got pedometers and we’ve been going for walks. And we’ve gone to Zumba a few times.

That was…interesting…*fade to flashback*

So we get there late. The room is full of people who look relatively fit. This confuses me. Why are you here? You’re done! Go eat some pizza! Damn.

Anyway. We selected the perfect spot (back corner where no one could see us). I learned that apparently we had taken someone’s ‘spot’ and this was TABOO. This is my first ever ZUMBA! Class and I’m super excited! I’ve heard people talk about it and its supposed to be super fun and WOO HOO I’m just super positive like woah!

So the music starts and I proceeded to try to figure out what is going on. Ok so were all following the teacher(WHICH was some super fit skinny black chick who was bustin’ a move like she was goin’ to the club) and it seems ok.

So the song comes on and we start out and the moves were all pretty easy. “PSH,” I think to myself “Ive got this!”…. Little did I know, that was just the warm up.

So were going along and im doing pretty well. So far I am keeping up and haven’t done anyone any serious bodily harm.

The music picks up and all hell breaks loose. And by that I mean she actually starts the class and warm up time is over and I am COMPLETLEY LOST. She’s doing these THINGS and this SUPER COMPLICATED HORSE RIDING MOVE THING WHILE SPINNING IN A CIRCLE AND OH SWEET JESUS YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT WITH MY FEET?

So at this point im pretty much just spinning around in circles and throwing in an occasional jump for good measure.

Then the booty shaking starts. At this point im trying so hard to keep up and figure out what the HELL is going on.

I’m sweating my balls off (figuratively, of course) and the old lady in the back of the class is JUDGING me and I’m dying for a drink. FINALLY the song ends and I CRAWL to the water bottle.

I drink my water and catch my breath for a couple seconds and think to myself “Ok self. That really wasn’t THAT bad. Class is almost over!” I check the time and….

We have been there for five minutes.

I get back in my corner and attempt to keep up as the next song plays. I figure out some ‘short cuts’ and am doing relatively well (in my mind) when I make the mistake…

I look at Becky.

Shes got this SUPER serious look on her face and is having just as hard a time as I was having and I DIE laughing. At which point she looks at me laughing and starts cracking up. 

 Thats me... on the right

Super sexy dance moves.

So I try to avoid looking at Becky because everytime we do it results in us CRACKING up and getting glared at everyone else (who are taking this class WAY too seriously)

I didn’t quite keep up the entire time, but I moved the entire time, and made an effort.

I punched myself in the face once, twisted an ankle, hit the wall and was NEVER on beat and NONE of my moves were correct.

I make it through a COMPLETE HOUR of SHEER TORTURE. I know I’m going to be sore tomorrow. But you know what? It was SUPER FUN! I now understand why people exercise!

(except running. Fuck running)

Now ive got to go shake my pedometer so I can beat Becky in our bet.

And this is why Men are the WORST.

Sometimes I honestly wonder how it is that men are still a thing.

They are stubborn.

NO MATTER WHAT they are ALWAYS RIGHT. Even if you are right. NOPE. You are NOT right. They are. MONTHS later they may admit that they may have been wrong, but DO NOT point it out or it will magically go away and once again – They were not wrong!

They are frustrating.

THE SWEET SNACKS GO IN ONE CUBPOARD AND THE SALTY SNACKS GO IN THE OTHER. It’s been that way for FOREVER. SWEET JESUS MAN!

I SWEAR IF YOU PUT THAT TRASH CAN IN MY WAY ONE MORE TIME IM NOT COMING BACK!

WHY CANT YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR LAUNDRY?!

They are oblivious.

IM SORRY you stayed up until 11 and got GOD AWFUL drunk. Guess what? I’ve been lying in bed for the last hour scantily clad waiting for your ass! And they wonder why we develop headaches? It isn’t only for when it’s convenient for YOU! Our needs matter too!

They smell bad.

HOW on EARTH can they work ALL DAY and then NOT SHOWER? It may not bother you, but guess what… I have to be around you and you smell LIKE BIGFOOTS DICK.

They say the WRONG things at GOD AWFUL times…

“I think you’re overreacting.”

“Why are you nagging me about this?”

“Aren’t you ready yet?’’

“Why do you need a $500 purse?”

They do NOT understand that our feelings matter.

No, maybe you didn't MEAN to offend us. Maybe you didn't intend to make us sad but guess what… you did. WE ARE FEMALE AND WE ARE EMOTIONAL. SO maybe you should MAN UP and APOLOGIZE. And not some BS apology either...

“I’m sorry you overreacted.” ß THIS IS NOT AN APOLOGY

“I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings. I love you more than life itself and you are beautiful. Here have some wine.” ß THIS IS AN APOLOGY.  AND you aren't actually admitting any wrongdoing. It’s a WIN WIN.

here is a chart to reference for your convenience...

Honestly. Given the free does of bitch that come standard with a vagina, how have we (women) not killed them all off?

I think the amazons had it right… Bad ass warrior women. No men were allowed in their country, BUT; but once a year - in order to prevent their race from dying out- (says Wikipedia… I think they just got horny) they visited a neighboring tribe to get freak-ay. And yes, to repopulate. They also took men as slaves when they went to war. They had to do the cooking and cleaning and oh yeah, satisfy their masters on command. Any girl children from the union were kept and brought up by their moms to be TOTAL BAD ASS XENA-ESQUE MO-FO’S.  The male children who were the result of these visits were either killed, sent back to their fathers or exposed in the wilderness to fend for themselves. Sorry ‘Bout Cha…

 Bad motha' shut yo mouth!

Hells to the yizzeah!