Fuck mother nature.

So. Those of you females out there blessed enough to get to experience the JOYS of PMS can probably relate to this one…

So. My day started off normal, like any other day. There were a few tell tale signs that should have keyed me in, but as my ‘lady time’ is irregular AS FUCK, im not too in tune to that kinda shit.

I messed up my eyeliner and almost started to cry.

My work day proceeded as normal with only a few small hiccups. I demolished some tootsie rolls and almost killed Mick for bringing Cheyenne spaghetti and not me.

I realized I forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer for dinner. I texted “MAX” (all names have been changed to protect the innocent) to ask if he could quick “run to the store and grab some meat I forgot to take any out to thaw.”

I get home. Ask him where the meat is. “In the microwave” he tells me.

I look in the microwave.

THERE IS A HUNK OF FROZEN SOLID CHICKEN SITTING IN THE MICROWAVE. THE ENTIRE POINT WAS FOR IT TO BE THAWED AND READY TO COOK WITH!!!

I almost started crying… almost.  So I proceed to defrost and prep the chicken. I almost start three fights with ‘max’ in the 20 minute process.

I decided I needed to go take a shower ASAP so I could have some me time to deal with my problems – AKA not kill ‘max’. Showers are my method of coping. Give me a cold beer and… well… I hope you don’t plan on seeing me for a WHILE. But you will hear me. Cuz my ass will be singing LOUD.

So im in the shower and im BAWLING. Like a fucking BABY. Like straight up UGLY CRYING. Snot and mascara running like it’s the Boston marathon. (too soon?)

I decide there is only one logical thing that will help.

CHOCOLATE. LOTS OF FUCKING CHOCOLATE.

But we have no chocolate.

I Start pounding on the bathroom wall and yelling for Jordan, who comes running. I tell her I NEED her to go grab “MAX” and tell him to take my debit card and go to the gas station and buy me chocolate.

About a minute later he comes upstairs and seems confused.

Now im not sure what could be LESS confusing about the situation

1. im in the shower crying like ET just died
2. I want chocolate

Its not the most complicated puzzle to put together here…

But nope. Not my man. My man offers me a half eaten chocolate alligator that’s been lost in his beer fridge since JUNE.

IF I DIDN’T EAT IT THEN WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO EAT IT NOW?

Now at this point I know that I’m not being the most …rational person in the world.

CHOCOLATE DOESN’T JUDGE ME! CHOCOLATE UNDERSTANDS!

But he is confused about what I want and I don’t care but I know I DON’T want what he is suggesting! I don’t want old ass chocolate I just want TWIX AND DONUTS AND STARBUCKS MOCHA FRAPPUCCHINO AND ALL THE CHOCOLATE! NOT YOUR GOD DAMN CHOCOLATE ALIGATOR!

If he cant go get me chocolate now what happens if we ever have a kid? IM GOING TO HAVE CRAVINGS AND WANT FOOD! This (hypothetical) pregnancy is going to SUCK.

Why doesn’t he love me enough to get me chocolate? THE GAS STATION IS ONLY LIKE THREE MINUTES AWAY!! I bet he would get his ex some chocolate

I don’t want him to get me chocolate anyway! If he doesn’t WANT to get it then I don’t WANT it! ASSHOLE! I bet he got his EX chocolate when SHE asked for it!

Omg he hates me! IF HE LOVED ME HE WOULD GET ME SOME FUCKING CHOCOLATE. 

Now have you ever seen/read ‘The Host’? Essentially this alien invades this girls mind and the girl is fighting it and arguing with it and trying to talk sense into it and get it out and take back over her mind. Shes trapped. In her own mind.

Basically that’s what had happened. And normal calm everyday Casey who isn’t a complete emotional psycho was trapped and couldn’t get out. I knew she was there, I could hear her telling me to calm down, that it wasn’t a big deal, that I was probably scaring ‘max’ and knock that shit off but BWA HA HA HA HA SHE WAS TRAPPED AND MR(S?) HYDE WAS FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

So I tell him never mind. I was even nice about it. I tell him I understand how that could be confusing and politely thank him. All the while im strangling my shampoo bottle.

I get out of the shower.

I sit on the bed naked for several minutes before I text Becky and express my warring desires – to stab ‘MAX’ vs. eat chocolate.

She invited me over to smoke.

And eat chocolate.

She had some. She understands.

Ah... I work out!

So. I’ve started dieting. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are. But the part that isn’t surprising?  IT FUCKING SUCKS.

DIET FOOD SUCKS.  You know those stupid slogans that say “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”? Yeah well FUCK THOSE. THEY ARE DIRTY FILTHY LIARS.

LOTS OF STUFF TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS! LIKE DONUTS AND FRENCH FRIES AND PIZZA AND BEER AND BURGERS AND FUCK YOU OK I'M STARVING OVER HERE!

I’ve been counting calories and watching what I eat and the whole shebang.

I’ve also been HANGRY for several weeks, so there is that… poor Pete.

And you know what else is SHOCKING?

IVE STARTED EXERCISING AS WELL!

Stop laughing, im serious.

Still no running tho…

I’ve drafted Becky and am making her join me in my torment. Not that Becky needs to exercise. I want to stab her skinny ass on a regular basis, in fact, when she complains about being “fat”

We got pedometers and we’ve been going for walks. And we’ve gone to Zumba a few times.

That was…interesting…*fade to flashback*

So we get there late. The room is full of people who look relatively fit. This confuses me. Why are you here? You’re done! Go eat some pizza! Damn.

Anyway. We selected the perfect spot (back corner where no one could see us). I learned that apparently we had taken someone’s ‘spot’ and this was TABOO. This is my first ever ZUMBA! Class and I’m super excited! I’ve heard people talk about it and its supposed to be super fun and WOO HOO I’m just super positive like woah!

So the music starts and I proceeded to try to figure out what is going on. Ok so were all following the teacher(WHICH was some super fit skinny black chick who was bustin’ a move like she was goin’ to the club) and it seems ok.

So the song comes on and we start out and the moves were all pretty easy. “PSH,” I think to myself “Ive got this!”…. Little did I know, that was just the warm up.

So were going along and im doing pretty well. So far I am keeping up and haven’t done anyone any serious bodily harm.

The music picks up and all hell breaks loose. And by that I mean she actually starts the class and warm up time is over and I am COMPLETLEY LOST. She’s doing these THINGS and this SUPER COMPLICATED HORSE RIDING MOVE THING WHILE SPINNING IN A CIRCLE AND OH SWEET JESUS YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT WITH MY FEET?

So at this point im pretty much just spinning around in circles and throwing in an occasional jump for good measure.

Then the booty shaking starts. At this point im trying so hard to keep up and figure out what the HELL is going on.

I’m sweating my balls off (figuratively, of course) and the old lady in the back of the class is JUDGING me and I’m dying for a drink. FINALLY the song ends and I CRAWL to the water bottle.

I drink my water and catch my breath for a couple seconds and think to myself “Ok self. That really wasn’t THAT bad. Class is almost over!” I check the time and….

We have been there for five minutes.

I get back in my corner and attempt to keep up as the next song plays. I figure out some ‘short cuts’ and am doing relatively well (in my mind) when I make the mistake…

I look at Becky.

Shes got this SUPER serious look on her face and is having just as hard a time as I was having and I DIE laughing. At which point she looks at me laughing and starts cracking up. 

 Thats me... on the right

Super sexy dance moves.

So I try to avoid looking at Becky because everytime we do it results in us CRACKING up and getting glared at everyone else (who are taking this class WAY too seriously)

I didn’t quite keep up the entire time, but I moved the entire time, and made an effort.

I punched myself in the face once, twisted an ankle, hit the wall and was NEVER on beat and NONE of my moves were correct.

I make it through a COMPLETE HOUR of SHEER TORTURE. I know I’m going to be sore tomorrow. But you know what? It was SUPER FUN! I now understand why people exercise!

(except running. Fuck running)

Now ive got to go shake my pedometer so I can beat Becky in our bet.

And this is why Men are the WORST.

Sometimes I honestly wonder how it is that men are still a thing.

They are stubborn.

NO MATTER WHAT they are ALWAYS RIGHT. Even if you are right. NOPE. You are NOT right. They are. MONTHS later they may admit that they may have been wrong, but DO NOT point it out or it will magically go away and once again – They were not wrong!

They are frustrating.

THE SWEET SNACKS GO IN ONE CUBPOARD AND THE SALTY SNACKS GO IN THE OTHER. It’s been that way for FOREVER. SWEET JESUS MAN!

I SWEAR IF YOU PUT THAT TRASH CAN IN MY WAY ONE MORE TIME IM NOT COMING BACK!

WHY CANT YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR LAUNDRY?!

They are oblivious.

IM SORRY you stayed up until 11 and got GOD AWFUL drunk. Guess what? I’ve been lying in bed for the last hour scantily clad waiting for your ass! And they wonder why we develop headaches? It isn’t only for when it’s convenient for YOU! Our needs matter too!

They smell bad.

HOW on EARTH can they work ALL DAY and then NOT SHOWER? It may not bother you, but guess what… I have to be around you and you smell LIKE BIGFOOTS DICK.

They say the WRONG things at GOD AWFUL times…

“I think you’re overreacting.”

“Why are you nagging me about this?”

“Aren’t you ready yet?’’

“Why do you need a $500 purse?”

They do NOT understand that our feelings matter.

No, maybe you didn't MEAN to offend us. Maybe you didn't intend to make us sad but guess what… you did. WE ARE FEMALE AND WE ARE EMOTIONAL. SO maybe you should MAN UP and APOLOGIZE. And not some BS apology either...

“I’m sorry you overreacted.” ß THIS IS NOT AN APOLOGY

“I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings. I love you more than life itself and you are beautiful. Here have some wine.” ß THIS IS AN APOLOGY.  AND you aren't actually admitting any wrongdoing. It’s a WIN WIN.

here is a chart to reference for your convenience...

Honestly. Given the free does of bitch that come standard with a vagina, how have we (women) not killed them all off?

I think the amazons had it right… Bad ass warrior women. No men were allowed in their country, BUT; but once a year - in order to prevent their race from dying out- (says Wikipedia… I think they just got horny) they visited a neighboring tribe to get freak-ay. And yes, to repopulate. They also took men as slaves when they went to war. They had to do the cooking and cleaning and oh yeah, satisfy their masters on command. Any girl children from the union were kept and brought up by their moms to be TOTAL BAD ASS XENA-ESQUE MO-FO’S.  The male children who were the result of these visits were either killed, sent back to their fathers or exposed in the wilderness to fend for themselves. Sorry ‘Bout Cha…

 Bad motha' shut yo mouth!

Hells to the yizzeah!

How to fail an Interview in Ten Easy Steps!!

Sooooo I had an interview the other day...

 I arranged it on the phone with a lovely sounding lady who said it was for a property management company, and got it scheduled for over my lunch break.

 I got to the office a comfortable 15 minutes early and realized… wait… where was this place? I didn't see ANYTHING that looked like a PM company… I glanced down at my paper, sure that I had made a mistake. … Nope. This was the place. But wait… it looked like an…. Employment agency.

 Now don’t get me wrong, employment agencies can be great. They can help you find a job and i'm sure they are wonderful. But that was NOT what I was looking for. AND the woman on the phone had LIED to me!

 “Alright,” I think “I may as well give it a shot, i'm already dressed up and here!”

So I go in.

 To an empty reception area that is about 8x8 with a sign TAPED to the counter

 “Please ring bell for service and someone will be with you shortly.” 

 I ring the bell.

And then stand there.

And stand there

And stand there…

 Five minutes later a woman walks out with a mouth full of food and asks me “YES?!” like I have just said something completely rude and am totally inconveniencing her.

Now at this point I am still tyring to be professional so I hide my chagrin and reply “Hello. My name is Casey Noe. I am here for an interview with Ms. Beaverhausen.” (obviously not her real name…)

“uh huh…. Ok well Ill let her know you are here. Take a seat.”

 TAKE A SEAT? How about WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A SEAT or even PLEASE HAVE A SEAT? Im not in 5th grade lady!

 So I sit.

 And I sit

 And I sit.

 I SIT FOR 20 FUCKING MINUTES IN THIS OFFICE.

I can HEAR them past the paper thin closed door discussing the other applicants, how much they dislike their job and the fact that they are going to keep me waiting.

 I check my phone. It’s now 20 minutes past when my interview was supposed to start. I have 40 minutes left on my lunch. I decide I will give her another 5 minutes before I leave.


  STEP ONE


I start playing on my phone. NOW I KNOW you aren't supposed to be on your phone when you are waiting for an interview. I KNOW THIS. I've interviewed enough people and if I saw that… oh HELLLLLLL NO.

 But at this point… I really don’t care anymore.

Im irritated im at an employment agency.

Im irritated the woman was rude to me.

Im irritated they are keeping me waiting and I can HEAR THEM.

Im also irritated because there is a burger king across the street I could be stuffing my face at and im NOT.

 Im Facebook stalking people when I remember to check the time. Its been six minutes. I stand up to leave. I don’t want this job ANYWAY! I am beyond pissed… and the door opens and a 12 year old girl walks out with a clipboard.

 OK OK OK, she wasn't 12 but she sure as shit looked like it!

 “Hi there!” she says in a high pitched valley girl voice that immediately makes me want to punch her square in her face... “You must be Casey! Sorry to keep you waiting!”


 STEP TWO 


 I glare at her. “Yep. That’s me.”

 She looks a bit taken aback. Probably because she’s TWELVE, I’m three feet taller than her, I’m dressed better than she is and I am now PISSED OFF.

 “Sorry to keep you waiting!” she gushes at me “Won’t you come back to my office and we can get started?” I follow her to her office, shooting daggers into her back the entire way.

 “Would you like a drink?” she asks me, all bubbly like I’m NOT giving her a death glare.


 STEP THREE 


 “I’d love a glass of Pinot if you have one.” I tell her.

She looks at me blankly. I’m not even sure if she knows that I just asked her for alcohol…

“I don’t think we have any ha ha, but we have some water…” she looks confused

“I’m fine.” I bite back.

“Ok well why don’t we get started?”

She proceeds to ask me the most POINTLESS STUPID questions. Like… directly from googling “Interview questions to ask for a property manager position.” I know this because I googled that same thing. FIVE YEARS AGO. 


 STEP FOUR


I answer all her questions in monosyllable responses.

Do I have experience in commercial property management? Yep.

Do I have experience supervising groups of 4 or more? Yep

Can I tell her about a time I had to provide excellent customer service? Yep

She asks me about a typical day. About my ‘management style’ and as she goes on it becomes more and more obvious she has NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT A PROPERTY MANAGER EVEN DOES.


 STEP FIVE 


I get out my nail file and start working on my nails.

 She tells me that mainly what the company is looking for is someone with a positive attitude. A Real people person.


 STEP SIX 


 I ignore her.

 She asks me if I have any questions

“What is the name of the company?” I inquire.

‘I’m sorry” she replies “I cant tell you that.”

“What is the salary?” I ask

“I really cant give you that information” she tells me.

 I glare at her again.


 STEP SEVEN


 “Do you know ANYTHING?” I ask her, as condescending as I can.


 STEP EIGHT


I take out my phone and send a text


 She asks me why I want the job


 STEP NINE 


 “To be blatantly honest with you… I don’t.”

She looks confused. “Then why are you here?”


 STEP TEN 


 “Because you LIED to me on the phone and I thought this was a legitimate property management job”

She stammers… “I lied to you? ”

“Yes young lady, you sure did. And I don’t appreciate the waste of my time.”

 I get up. I walk out.



 Needless to say… I did NOT get a job offer…

What mornings with a child look like

My mornings getting ready with Jordan:

Wake up sweetie! its morning! 

How did you sleep? 

sure, tell me about your dream.

Ok, now its time to get out of bed kiddo.

Seriously J. Get up. 

I love you too.

Thats enough stretching. Up. 

You are going to be late for school! If I have to take you I am going to be irritated...

Get out of bed! 

Well then you should have gone to bed when I told you, sorry 'bout cha! 

Han Solo will not be mad if you get up. 

JORDAN! GET YOUR ASS UP!

Then you should have gotten up, and I wouldn't have had to yell!

No you can not wear your Easter dress today. you have PE. 

I don't care if the other girls wont think you're fancy.

put on shorts and a tee shirt!

I SAID SHORTS AND A TEE SHIRT!

Why are you wearing your dress shoes?

STOP CHANGING YOUR SHIRT! The one you had on was FINE.

Jordan, we only have 30 minutes until the bus comes! 

get your shoes on and go brush your teeth and hair!

Why do you have on dress shoes? Get on your sandals or tennis shoes!

Stop trying to ride the dog! he doesn't like it!

Why is the dog wearing your shirt? 

put it in the dirty laundry and find a clean shirt now.

Go brush your teeth!

are your teeth brushed yet? 

Where are your shoes?

GET YOUR SHOES ON WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE!

have you brushed your teeth? what about your hair?

well, go brush your hair.

then you should have brushed it last night like I told you to!

stop crying, its just BRUSHING YOUR HAIR. everyone has to do it!

Ok, fine, you're right. Pete doesn't have to brush his hair. now SCOOT!

is your hair brushed?

are your teeth brushed?

Where are your shoes? Come here and i will put them ON you myself.

well then, you should have picked them out like I told you to!

HOW could you have brushed your teeth when your toothbrush is in my room? 

GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

Now downstairs! 

No I'm not packing your lunch! we have five minutes until we have to go!

Did you feed the chicks? 

Well go feed the chicks!

RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT ON THE BACK PORCH JORDAN!

WHY ARENT YOU WEARING ANY SHOES??

NO YOU CANT WEAR YOUR DRESS BOOTS! GET YOUR SANDALS ON RIGHT NOW!

Why did you put on socks with sandals? You look ridiculous. take those off. 

Where is your backpack?

Check the dining room.

What do you mean you don't know? It goes in the dining room or by the door when you finish your homework! Go look for it! 

Is it in your room?

I found it. In the dining room. I thought you said you looked there?

Well, I told you to look there! 

Put on your jacket.

You left it at school again? they have more jackets there than we do here!

Run upstairs and grab one. and PUT YOUR SHOES ON! 

Where is your other shoe? 

Get it on. Now. 

Ok. outside. 

NO I DIDN'T MAKE YOUR LUNCH! you can eat what they have at school!!!!!! 

Without Jordan: 

Now... where is my coffee?

Crafts that I probably wont do this summer...

So. I've been pinning like crazy, and have found some totally AWESOME craft/ideas that i want to do this summer.

In all actuality it will be a shock if I complete more than 1, but you know... it never hurts to dream.



#1 Outdoor Scrabble!

I love scrabble! I have lots of cardboard! This would be so much fun.... That's my initial thought. My after thought is.... OMG who wants to cut all those letters out? and keep track of how many I need? And clean them up and take care of them?....

Truth- this one I will probably do...

#2 Tin Can Lanterns!! 

We use a TON of tin cans! and Pete always looks sad when i throw them away! (That boy gets sad when i throw away a TORN garbage bag... he has hoarder tenancies) This one seems simple enough... get tin cans, remove the label, paint, punch holes. Or is it punch holes and then paint? idk. but still.... I could do 4th of July colors or WHATEVER! I could make one for my room or for the porch...  yep. i'm definitely doing this... if i get the motivation...

#3 Pet Rock Tic-Tac-Toe!

Find some rocks. Paint them. Play tic-tac-toe. Idk if I'd be getting an entire segment of a tree to play on, that seems like a lot of work is required, but the rest... I can get my laziness behind this... Plus Jordan LOVES tic tac toe... 

#4 MERMAID NECKLACES!

This one is 100% for Jordan. I swear. I wouldn't want a sparkly shiny mermaid necklace... OK that's lies, all lies. WHO WOULDN'T WANT A SPARKLY SHINY MERMAID NECKLACE? THEY ARE TOTES ADORBS. hahahahaha. I just said tots adorbs... but i said it ironically, so its OK....

I have no seashells, no glitter, and no shiny rock thingies. This one may not be happening. anyone want to buy me all the supplies, and then make them for me? er... uh... i mean for JORDAN? 

#5 Tin Can "SODA" Holder...

This makes me think of a Tommy Boy quote.... because i would be using it for a six pack of....soda....

Again, this looks simple.

However mine would probably look more like this....

Please note the crooked stake thingie and horrible artwork...  I also have no idea how to actually attach the post-er-majigger.... anyone?



#6 Outdoor Scavenger Hunt!

except lets be honest, the first thing on the list would be "go get mommy a glass of wine" and after that... who cares??

Chuck-e-cheese: the 7th circle of hell

fuck you you sadistic mouse bastard

 

It never fails. I ask Jordan where she wants to go for supper and it’s always “CHUCK E CHEESE!”

And then it’s the WHINING…

BUT YOU NEVERRRRRR TAKE MEEEEEE!

And then I just want to punch her, never mind take her anywhere to eat

But sometimes

When I’m delusional and have had entirely too much wine, and am feeling like being a good mom…

We go.

 

And it’s always horrible

Without fail. Chuck E Cheese is the worst place in the WORLD. Maybe even more than that. I would even go so far as to say its HELL. It’s worse than hell… it’s the 7^TH CIRCLE OF HELL.

Dante was actually writing about Chuck E Cheese...

 

 

First of all we have to search for a coupon. Because fuck you I’m not paying retail for somewhere I hate with the fiery passion of 1000 suns. Once found, said coupon has to be printed, and then kept track of until doomsday.

 

Then we have to actually GO. This is the worst part. I try to avoid it. I bribe her with other things. ANYTHING else. A new toy, a new dress. Somewhere else to eat. ALL OF THE ABOVE. Nada. FUCK MY LIFE.

 

They stamp you so someone doesn’t steal your kid. This is how fucked up this place is. You actually have to worry about someone stealing your kid! That in itself is enough of a reason for me NOT to go.

 

It smells horrible. There is NO alcohol (at the one here. Wisconsin knew how to do it, give the parents alcohol and keep them happy. AND WHY THE FUCK are you looking at me like I’m crazy when I ask if you have beer? THE ONE IN WISCONSIN HAS BEER! Fuckers. EVEN PETE was like WTF Casey… no they don’t have beer… PETE! Of all people, judging me for asking for beer! Grrrr….)

 

So by now we have just gotten in the door and I’m already to kill EVERYONE.

 

I have to go order pizza, and drinks.

Naturally Jordan doesn’t want pizza, she wants some random ass salad bar or some shit and HELL NO YOU ARE HAVING PIZZA.

She keeps nagging.

BUT MOOOMMMMM I REALLY WANT A SALAD

 

What the HELL? She always wants PIZZA. we go to PIZZA and she wants a damn salad...

The lady looks at me like… do you want to add a salad?

Me “no. she will have pizza”

“MOMMYYYYYY I DON’T LIIIIIKEEEE PIZZA”

High school dropout behind the counter with an unnatural amount of acne: “you know, the salad is only $37 (perhaps a slight exaggeration)”

Me: “she will have pizza”

“BUT MOMMMMMMMMMMMM I REALLY DON’T LIKE PIZZA! I HATE PIZZA”

Fucking lies. She loves pizza.

I’m trying to pay, but the acne ridden moron behind the counter refuses to give me my total, as she is still waiting for me to get my kid a salad.

“Can I get the check?”

“MOMMY PLEASE!!” As she starts to cry and slumps down on the floor.

Acne girl is glaring at me like I’m a bad mom.

Jordan is on the floor crying.

Pete is hiding like he doesn’t know me.

My phone starts to ring

The woman behind me is making snide comments.

Acne is still staring, Jordan is still screaming, Pete is still hiding…. And there is no ALCOHOL!

The room starts to spin….

 

I SNAP.

 

“WE WILL LEAVE RIGHT NOW IF YOU DO NOT KNOCK IT OFF. I AM SO SERIOUS. YOU HAVE NAGGED ME FOR MONTHS AND FINALLY I BROUGHT YOU TO THIS GOD AWFUL PLACE. YOU KNOW I HATE IT HERE. NOW, UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO BEAT YOUR ASS, YOU WILL KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

The entire counter goes quiet.

MAY I PLEASE HAVE MY BILL? I snap at acne girl.  She trembles as she hands It to me.

THANK YOU. I storm off to find a clean table, hopefully secluded from everyone else because FUCK EVERYONE ELSE.

 

We sit, I give Jordan and Pete tokens and they go off to play. I wander around and play a game here or there, but between helping Jordan play ski ball (she does NOT get it, ends up hitting me in the hand and leg with those damn things) basketball (I play, she watches, she gets the tickets) and trying to find her every 30 seconds when she wanders off, it is not a fun time.

 

Mom! Come play basketball with me!

“ok” I think “I like basketball! This might be fun!”

WRONG.

Jordan wants me to play for her, but she also has a FIT every time I miss a shot.

Why am I missing shots? You might ask…

BECAUSE Jordan needed to SEE and so she is sitting on my knee against the game and I am trying to shoot around her while still holding her up at the same time.

AND SHE KEEPS BLOCKING THE BALLS COMING BACK AND I HAVE TO WAIT AND IM ONLY AT LIKE 16 AND I SHOULD BE AT LIKE 40!!

We finally get two tickets. I tell her to stay right there while I wrestle to get them out. I turn to ask her what she wants to do now and…

No kid.

“Ok” I think “I’m gunna have to beat that kid after all, once I find her.”

I wander around looking for her.

Nada.

I check our table. The pizza is there, but no Jordan.

I check with Pete.

Nope.

I check the bathrooms.

I find a kid crying for its mom, but it’s not mine.

Now I’m getting frantic. I CAN NOT FIND MY DAUGHTER…..

I’m starting to freak out when

I SPOT HER SHOES

On the rack by the jungle gym.

There she is, up at the top.

But wait. She’s… crying? Why is she crying?

I see the culprit… two boys, who appear to be about nine years old will not let her use the slide. They are poking her, HITTING HER and won’t let her go anywhere.

I try to yell at them and they are ignoring me.

Jordan sees me and yells (between sobs) “MOMMY HELP!”

 

Shit just got real. YOU DO NOT MAKE MY CHILD CRY AND THEN IGNORE ME!

 OH HELL NO.

 

Now, a little insight about me before we go on.

I am not a small person. I’m over six feet tall, and NOT what you would call skinny.

 

I head in. to the jungle gym. I only get stuck about 20 times, the little kids in there are looking scared as they come across my path. It’s like a rhino trying to navigate a china shop.

I FINALLY make it to the top and come face to face with a very surprised little boy.

“WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?” I ask him. and by ask I mean BELLOW.

He doesn’t answer. Which, to be fair, doesn’t really matter as I am past the point of listening to him.

Jordan sees me. “MOMMY!” and she crawls over to me.

Now the little boys look scared

I go OFF

“What the HELL is wrong with you? First of all you are entirely too BIG to be up here in the first place! And where do you get off bullying a little girl? You are twice her size! How would you like it if I was picking on you?!”

They gape at me.

“If I was your mother you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week. Get down RIGHT NOW and we are going to find your PARENTS!!”

One tries to protest

“I do NOT WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU. GET DOWN NOW!”

 

We get down. We find his parents. They appear to be younger than I am, with 4 other kids in tow. The mom is hugely pregnant.

I inform her of what happens to which she replies

“Oh, kids will be kids!” and laughs it off. The kids grin and take off, back to torture some small child I’m sure.

Jordan is now cowering behind my leg. She knows what’s coming, and doesn’t envy the woman one bit.

 

“Do you know what’s wrong with the world? You. Fucktards like YOU. You bring your HORRIBLE children out to a family place and then REFUSE to watch them. Guess what, you are responsible for making sure they don’t grow up to be a complete DRAIN to society. Do you want them to end up working at McDonalds? Do you want them to know that they don’t have to answer for their actions? You allow your kids to be ass hats and don’t BEAT THEIR ASSES. If those were my kids they wouldn’t be able to sit down for a month! If you keep up like that they are going to end up in welfare or in jail!!”

 

She stammers “well, it’s kinda hard when we have six kids…”

“AND WHO THE FUCKS FAULT IS THAT? Not mine… If you can’t contain them, maybe you shouldn’t be having them!”

And with that I storm off.

 

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful after that. We ate, we left.

 

Fuck chuck e cheese.

Smoker Problems... The complete list

Smoker Problem #1

When you go outside to smoke, and you have to squeeze up against the side of the building, but then that ONE dick raindrop falls and hits your cigarette right above the butt, and then, well… it’s fucking ruined and you may as well give up on it.

 

Smoker Problem #2

When that ‘’one guy’’ who ‘’doesn’t smoke’’ comes over and smokes half your pack and meanwhile you have had like… three.

 

Smoker Problem #3

Where to put your butts at a ‘non-smokers’ house

 

 

Smoker Problem #4

Evaluating if you have enough time left on your drive to fit in a 2^nd cigarette

 

Smoker Problem #5

Not having any friends at work who smoke

 

Smoker Problem #6

Going outside/to the garage to smoke to avoid second hand exposure to child.

Child follows you and won’t go away.

 

Smoker Problem #7

When people go outside to smoke and don’t let you know

 

Smoker Problem #8

When someone moves your ashtray

 

Smoker Problem #9

Wanting to smoke on your way to an interview to calm your nerves, but not wanting to smell like an ashtray for your first impression…

 

Smoker Problem #10

Smoking in someone else’s car…

 

Smoker Problem #11

When people pull out ‘e-cigs’ or ‘vapes’ or whatever the hell they are… and you can SMELL the nicotine but you CANT smoke…

 

Smoker Problem #12

Having 9807498498731987901 lighters, but cant find a single one.

…and burning your nose on the toaster…

 

Smoker Problem #13

When other people smoke where you are eating

 

Smoker Problem #14

Not wanting to buy a carton because ‘’you’ll smoke the entire thing’’, but knowing its MUCH more cost effective to buy the carton…

 

Smoker Problem #15

When everyone gets the ‘nasty gram’ from the boss about cigarette butts outside and you KNOW you always put yours in the ashtray/depot…

 

Smoker Problem #16

When someone gets into your car, and lights up a cigarette when:

A)     The kid is in there

B)      The window is up

THERE ARE RULES PEOPLE!!

 

Smoker Problem #17

When you’re out of cigarettes and the person with you only smokes Newports…

 

Smoker Problem #18

Smoking without a cup of coffee. Or drinking coffee without a cigarette.

 

Smoker Problem #19

When other people smoke around your kids. Ah, scuse me… I take great pains to NOT expose them to my bad decision, what makes you think you get to?

 

Smoker Problem #20

The fear of ever going to England and having to ask to “bum a fag”

(Maybe this one is just me…)

 

 

Smoker Problem #21

Having two open packs at the same time… and you can’t find either of them…

 

Smoker Problem #22

Driving somewhere with a non smoker…

 

Smoker Problem #23

Its F-ing cold outside

 

Smoker Problem #24

When you’re driving and it starts raining, and the rain is coming IN your windows and you have two choices…

a)      Get soaked

b)      Don’t smoke

 

And both choices SUCK

 

Smoker Problem #25

Public places. To smoke? Not to smoke?

 

Smoker Problem #26

Moving to the south where cigarettes are super affordable… getting rid of one more reason to quit

 

Smoker Problem #27

When you light a cigarette and take a deep drag and taste sweet sweet….ass. And realize you lit the wrong end.

 

Smoker Problem #28

Not smoking in the car when there are kids around, but having kids around makes you want to smoke even more…

 

Smoker Problem #29

When its cold outside, and you aren’t sure if you are still blowing smoke or its just your breath because its so cold…

 

Smoker Problem #30

Not being able to find a single lighter when you’re out

And then finding 7 in your bra when you get home

(again, this may just be me…)

 

Smoker Problem #31

When a friend comes over who smokes, and the next thing you know your brand new pack is almost empty…

 

Smoker Problem #32

New cashiers who take 20 minutes to find your brand, and then give you the wrong one anyway…

 

Smoker Problem #33

No lighter. No gas stove. No toaster.

 

Smoker Problem #34

Realizing that you smoked your ‘emergency stash’ last week, when you were too lazy to go buy cigarettes…

 

Smoker Problem #35

Not being able to smoke in bars, but wanting to smoke even more because I’m drinking…

 

Smoker Problem #36

When you go to step on your cigarette, but miss it, and then end up river dancing just to make sure its out.

 

Smoker Problem #37

People who stand near the designated smoking area with their children and then glare at YOU

 

Smoker Problem #38

Driving anywhere with my mother

 

Smoker Problem #39

When you lend other smokers your lighter and know you may never see it again.

 

Smoker Problem #40

Unknown cigarettes in your ashtray… where did they come from?

 

 

Smoker Problem #41

Forgetting to buy extra packs before a trip home, and having to spend $9/pack

 

Smoker Problem #42

Finding half a pack of cigarettes in your jacket and having NO idea how long they have been there… to smoke them, or not to smoke them?

 

Smoker Problem #43

Putting your cigarette out to go into a store (when there is a substantial amount left) only to leave the store immediately and regret that decision.

 

Smoker Problem #44

People who don’t smoke just don’t understand

 

Smoker Problem #45

Mastering smoke rings

 

Smoker Problem #46

To flick, or not to flick?

 

Smoker Problem #47

People who think that e-cigs/vapes/ whatthehellever are REAL cigarettets. Nope.

 

Smoker Problem #48

Cigarettes that are not ‘shorts’… too much to smoke all at once, not enough to split evenly over two.

 

Smoker Problem #49

People who demand to hold you from your smoke break, effectively placing their life in DANGER.

 

Smoker Problem #50

When someone comes over who “smokes” and bums half a pack

 

Smoker Problem #51

No more ‘smoking sections’ ANYWHERE.

 

Smoker Problem #52

Talking on the cell phone, driving and smoking at the same time.

 

Smoker Problem #53

Watching the boondock saints… and realizing you’re missing TWO packs and sound like howards mother from the big bang theory

 

Smoker Problem #54

When you have your window to smoke, and someone else puts their window down, and you ash all over yourself. Bastards.

 

Smoker Problem #55

Reallllllly wanting a zippo, but knowing you will just lose it in two days…

 

Smoker Problem #56

When you see a full cigarette, stomped on the ground. What a waste…

 

Smoker Problem #57

Immediately being a ‘bad person’ when you light up, no matter how considerate you are around other people

 

Smoker Problem #58

When someone is on a different smoke schedule than you, smokes more or less, they completely throw off your groove!

 

Smoker Problem #59

Driving a lot = smoking a lot

 

Smoker Problem #60

WHERE THE HELL IS MY LIGHTER?

 

Smoker Problem #61

When you have two cigarettes left, and someone asks for one…

 

Smoker Problem #62

Getting the foil to tear off just right...

Smoker Problem #63

 

Finding your coupon right after you bought a pack

 

Smoker Problem #64

 Burning your boob with your still hot lighter, in an attempt to put it into your bra...

 

Smoker Problem #65

When you can’t find the ‘designated’ smoking area…

 

Smoker Problem #66

Having to smoke alone. Or when the only other smoker is someone you LOATHE

 

Smoker Problem #67

When Marlboro comes out with a new pack design... and no one knows what's going on...

 

Smoker Problem #68

Not wanting to quit because I LOVE IT

 

Smoker Problem #69

People who dip. And all their ‘’when I used to smoke’’ stories…

 

Smoker Problem #70

Seriously. WHERE ARE ALL MY LIGHTERS?

 

Smoker Problem #71

Mastering the 'James Dean' look

 

 

Smoker Problem #72

Your hair will be ruined by 10 AM, or your first break. Whichever comes sooner.

 

Smoker Problem #73

When two people are smoking in the car, but one has their window ALL THE WAY DOWN and you can’t ask without risking lighting yourself on fire

 

Smoker Problem #74

 

Having to do something with both hands, after having just lit a cigarette, and getting smoke up your nose/ in your eye etc.

 

Smoker Problem #75

When someone asks to bum a cigarette, and then acts disgusted by your brand… excuse me?! Beggars can’t be choosers.

 

Smoker problem #76

Have to go to the bathroom before I smoke because I have to pee…

Will have to go to the bathroom after because I have to poop…

 

Smoker Problem #77

Those people who are 'quitting' everytime you see them, hence don't have any cigarettets of their own, but always want to bum one...

 

Smoker Problem #78
When other smokers at the bar become aware that you have an extra pack…

 

Smoker Problem #79

Smelling like an ashtray

 

Smoker Problem #80

When you go to smoke, but forget your phone, so you just have to stand in the cold bored.