Pumpkin Spice and Wedding Bells

Autumn is officially my favorite time of year.

The leaves change, the air gets crisp and tis the season of pumpkin spice EVERYTHING!

Generally this season consists of pumpkin picking, hay rides, corn mazes and lots of family time. I was worried that I would miss all this, since I wont be in Wisconsin this year for the fall season.

This time of year always makes me homesick… usually I can fill the void with other outings, and I do try to go home to visit.

However, it seems fate had other plans and I’ve managed to work it out so I can still go to the corn maze while I’m in Wisconsin for my brothers wedding. Which makes me very happy J

 

 

Speaking of this wedding.

I’m not looking forward to it.

My brother’s fiancé is… annoyingly perfect. And by annoying I mean I’m jealous. She’s got the clothes, she’s skinny, she’s cute as shit, she's got a good job,… it’s highly irritating that someone can be that perfect.

I'm not even lying. Terra has the ability to take the most HIDEOUS article of clothing and wear it and it will look AMAZING. I could wear the exact same thing and I would look like a homeless person.

 

In fact, I've tried before. I got $4.72 while I was waiting for the bus.

 

Who the hell knows why she’s with NICK. Ha.

 

Especially when you put me next to her and well… yeahhhhhhhh nope. I don’t quite stack up.

And all her other bridesmaids… are very similar to her. And a little too ‘sorority girl’ for me. With their usage of the word ‘like’, wearing leggings as pants and their obsession with stacking bracelets… (I know none of this for sure… I’m just assuming ..this is 100% pure conjecture on my part. I don't even know if I've met half of them...…)

 

So, I was sitting here whining and feeling sorry for myself when it hit me…

I am officially going to be Megan from Bridesmaids. The fat awkward (hilarious with amazing tits) one who is only in the wedding because she’s the groom’s sister….

 

I’ve had better moments than this realization…

 

That's me. on the far left...

 

 

So this wedding.

We’re wearing STRAPLESS dresses.

With my boobs? Oh good lord… I hope someone has a camera handy b/c I’m going to be pulling a Janet Jackson NFL type move, I’m sure…

Plus, I’m fat. And strapless dresses with big boobs on big girls… oy vey (at least Megan got to wear sleeves and a real damn bra!)

And HEELS.

Have I mentioned I’m already freakishly tall? So I’m going to be flashing people at eye level!! Wooo hoo!

And ALL the groomsmen are shorter than me. At least they should enjoy that. I do have rather amazing boobs.

AND IT’S TWO DAYS AFTER MY BIRTHDAY!!

Now, that in itself doesn’t bother me.

What does bother me is the fact that this means I will NEVER be able to have another BIRTHDAY EVER AGAIN. And no, I am not exaggerating.

 

Let’s go out! Oh, sorry we can’t… we have plans for nick and terra's anniversary.

Buy me presents! Oh sorry, we can’t. We just spent money on said anniversary.

Come see me! Sorry sweetie, it’s our anniversary…

 

 

BUT DO YOU KNOW THE WORST PART?

THIS CRAZY PERFECT WOMAN IS STEALING MY BROTHER!

That’s right! She’s been working on it for years now and was so sneaky about it I didn’t even notice it was happening!

I’ve had to deal with his shit for 27 years! Now that he’s finally gotten to the point where he doesn’t just torture me and ruin any chances at dating, and we can actually have FUN together, he’s always busy with TERRA. I've never really had to share him before and I DON’T LIKE IT ONE BIT. I thought this was just a phase…

HES MY BROTHER YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE!
 

Now I’ve got to deal with lines such as these:
 

"I don't know if you can borrow $500...I’ve got to ask TERRA"

"Sorry hunny, I cant drop everything and come over, I have plans with TERRA"

"I’m not sure what were doing for Easter in 6 months sweetie, ask TERRA."

"Sorry Case, I can’t come over and do nothing with you, its TERRAS birthday."

"Sorry I didn’t answer your call, I was getting my marriage license…"

"I can’t drive 1050 miles to see you this weekend, I’ve got to save my PTO for my WEDDING."

 

…And other such bullshit.

 

in the meantime, I’ve been working on my speech.

No one has actually "asked" me to make a speech, but I'm assuming its going to happen, so I want to be prepared.

 

BWA HA HAHA.
 

Ill post it after the fact. I don’t want to ruin the surprise…

Im going to the BEACH!!

I'm going to the beach!

Nah nah nah boo boo!

Yes, this is about as mature as I get. Even I wonder how I manage to have a full time ‘’adult’’ job… and keep the small child alive….

 

But. Back to my excited jumping around and nonsensical noises…

 

WOOO HOOOOOO! YAY! HOT DAMN!

 

Did I mention I’m going to the beach?

With two of my BEST friends in the ENTIRE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?

And my MOM is watching JORDAN? Several hours away?

And I will be drinking? And laying around in the sun? And maybe even SWIMMING in the ocean?

What else would I be doing in the ocean? You ask?

How about yelling at a 6 year old not to go out so deep, then saving said six year old from the crazy wave that just knocked her over where OP! Who’d have thought… she couldn’t touch…

and putting on multiple layers of suntan lotion.

And trying to get sand out of her drink (yeah…right)

and blowing up water toys that end up floating down the shore while I chase after them, step on a shell, injure myself and get looked at like a crazy person….

Then listening to her complain because the salt water tastes bad. Why did she drink it? No one knows… And the salt water burns her eyes. Even after I told her not to open her eyes under water… yet she did anyway…. that’s what most beach trips entail…

BUT NOT THIS TIME!

I don’t have to worry about anyone except ME.

And maybe Kayla wandering off drunkenly with strange men

Or Donna drinking too much and turning into the hippie we all know she is and trying to sleep on the dunes.

BUT that’s ALL I have to worry about!!!

No kid. No man. No work. No worries at all.

Just friends. Sand. Alcohol. Food. Repeat.

 

AND I CANT WAIT!!

You see, when you’re a mom you don’t GET vacations. Vacations with the kids are NOT vacations. So when you get that chance to ditch the kiddo and just hang out and do you… YOU GRAB THAT FUCKER BY THE HORNS AND HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. Because well… this chance isn’t going to come again for SEVERAL more years. Don’t believe me? Ask me the last time I did this. And I won’t be able to answer you because ITS NEVER HAPPENED.

Seriously. Its been QUITE A WHILE since I've been able to enjoy a ME vacation like this. Even if it is only for two days.

But I went to the beach twice in July… you may say.

WRONG.

Well, not WRONG per se, but those were not quite vacations.

 The first one was for Jordan's birthday. That was all about her. Well, mostly about her.

The second trip was with Pete's family and I was so worried about making a fool or myself it was hard to enjoy it.

 

I'm spending unnecessary money on a hotel, food, alcohol etc and probably end up broke with no money for gas come Monday.

I'm ditching my kid with my mom, in the house with the man to survive for the weekend and will probably come home to someone dead, or a feud and all three above will/have already made me feel like the worst person in the world for not taking them…

I'm not going to check emails or do ANYTHING work related and probably get horribly behind come Monday. There will probably be AC issues and leaky pipes and maybe even a death.

 

CAN I GET A WOOT WOOT?