I fucking hate mornings.

normal morning getting Me and J ready:

Wakes J up.

Me: "Ok Bird, Get dressed, brush your teeth and hair and then come downstairs for breakfast."

I go into my bedroom. manage to get my teeth brushed before I hear...

J: "MOM!! My socks hurt!"

wtf? How can your socks hurt? *sigh" I go into her bedroom, fix her socks. Meanwhile...

BARK BARK BARK

Ah shit. I forgot to let the dog out. I go downstairs, let him outside, go back upstairs to try to continue getting ready. This time I manage to get one contact in, and notice Jordans on my bed playing on her tablet.

Me: "Arent you supposed to be doing something?"

Jordan: *stares at me blankly"

Me:''jordan, go brush your teeth!''

I get the other contact in. Sit down to do my makeup annnnnnndddddd....

BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK SQWAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK!

SHITSHITSHITSHIT the dog is chasing the chickens. I race downstairs (half naked)

"LED ZEPPELIN YOU GET YOUR ASS IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW!!!"

Thankfully he listens. I let him in, feed him and head back upstairs to try to get dressed.

Jordan wanders in.

J: "I brushed my teeth."

Me: "And?"

J:"and now im done?"

Me: " Uhm no. go brush your hair. then go downstairs and start packing your lunch box."

I get dressed, manage to put something on that I think matches. I had an idea about looking attractive when I woke up, but that train has LONG left the station.

Go downstairs, RE pack jordans lunch, make coffee, check jordans bag, make sure everything is in there. Let the dog back out, but not before threatening his manhood, should he feel the urge to fuck with the chickens again.

Its quiet. too quiet...

 Me: ''jordan? jordan where are you? Its time to eat breakfast..." I find her on her bed, crying...

BARK

 Jordan: ''MOMMMMMM my pants are too CRUNCHY!"' *melts down into hysterics *

BARK BARK BARK BARK

Me "What does that even MEAN?? WHY did you take the other shorts off? WHY do you have pants on? its 90 degrees outside!!"

Jordan: "I don't know. they FEEL CRUNCHY. I HATE THESE PANTS!"" *starts to take them off*

Me: ''jordan cate marie, put your shorts BACK ON and COME DOWNSTAIRS!!''

 BARKBARKBARKBARK

 J: ''i caaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnntttttt they are too CRUNCHY''

 mE: SHM!!! ''fine. i dont care what you wear, but put SOMETHING on and COME DOWNSTAIRS!!! WHERE IS YOUR HAIRBRUSH???  ZEPPELIN KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!''

I manage the rest of the morning without any major incidents. I forgot to get milk, so its water and honey buns for breakfast. don't judge me. at least I remembered to feed her... today.

 J: (coming down the stairs )''ok mom, im readddddy!"

 *finds small child in easter dress, leopard print leggings, spongebob baseball cap and a hoodie...*.

 ....smh...... Guess were being white trash today cuz I am NOT going through that again.

When shes 17 shes going to be like “Oh my god mom, WHY did you let me leave the house in that?” and im going to have a mini meltdown.


Or maybe not, ill probably be a raging alcoholic by that point.