Stupid Shit people say

Sometimes I seriously just want to punch people. Right square in the damn face. I can NOT believe how STUPID people can be. I have a relatively low tolerance for morons, and am SHOCKED ive not blown up and been taken to jail yet in my life. Note, I said ‘yet’.

Here are some of my favorite gems that I hear on a regular basis. and how I would LIKE to reply...

-“Wow. You’re really tall”

OH MY GOD! WHAT? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? HOLY SHIT!!! *gets a little bit dizzy as this is such a sudden development and I am so high off the ground*

-“You don’t talk like you’re from around here” (Actual pronunciation: Ya don’ tawk like yer from aroun’ heeree)

…. Cannot type actual reply as I worry I might offend EVERYONE in the south…. Needless to say, No. I do not. As I am NOT from around here.
 

-"Hobby Lobby is boring."

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM? Hobby Lobby is AMAZING.

-"Oh, you mean  BARBEQUE SAUCE??"

NOPE. I MEAN BARBEQUE. because I am from the NORTH and we do NOT feel the need to distinguish as we don't have BBQ like you do in the south. AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD I ASK FOR PULLED PORK TO PUT ON MY FRENCH FRIES?  I can deal with you saying taters/y'all/fixin' ta... deal with me saying BARBEQUE.

-“who eats this stuff?” (Indicating my twinkie or diet coke…)

Well… I do… Obviously as it is in my HAND and soon to be my MOUTH. And also…EVERYONE. As it is DELICIOUS and not made from some EPA HCG RED DYE #5 FREE BULL SHIT ORGANIC CRAP.

-“wait… I thought you were from Wisconsin?”

Yep. Its called a CAR. Magical little invention that enables the operator to travel from place to place! CRAZY! MIND BLOWN!

-“so, is that like Minnesota?”

YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING WHORE MOUTH!!!!!!

-“Your daughter looks just like you!”

Uh. Duh. Pretty sure that’s how it works… as I am her MOTHER…

-"We don't let Xyapple watch that... Its got a bad message..."

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? look what you named your CHILD and you are worried about her watching SPONGEBOB? I think she is going to have bigger problems in her life than how Mr. Crabs could be the father of Pearl, and how they can have fire under water... haha now im gunna sneak her a twinkie.

-“OHHHH… your dog is named after Led Zeppelin?

No. I just REALLY REALLY like hydrogen filled balloons….

-“What do you mean you’re not open on weekends?”

As in, our hours of business do not extend past 5PM Friday night… as in I have a life. And a kid. And your shit really isn’t that important to me.

-“Keystone light tastes just like miller light…”

Yeah. Ok. If you poured out the miller light, peed in the can and then left it sitting in the sun before you drank it…


-"I don't like Disney Movies."

Oh. and how did it feel when you sold your soul to SATAN?
 

-“It must really suck being a single mom.”

Nope. Exactly how I had planned my life out being. Psh. Everyone should be so lucky! (No shit you dumb ass. But thanks for pointing it out to me. Now go fuck yourself.)
 

-“How can you NOT like this show/book?”

Because. Its stupid and doesn’t appeal to me in anyway. See? Its easy. How CAN you like that garbage?


-"You call your best friend a whore?"

Well, yes. she IS a whore... so it really isn't that much of an insult. plus, I express my love through insult. I call pete names ALL the time... so really, if im NOT mean to you... you should be worried...

 

-“Its just a PHASE”

What? Your child being a fucking MONSTER and HORRIBLE mini person is just a phase? So, instead of doing something about it you are just going to make excuses and let them think its ok? No. BEAT THEIR ASS and make them KNOCK IT OFF. That’s the problem with kids today. Spoiled whining rotten bratty kids who think EVERYONE is a bully and get a PARTICIPATION trophy. Psh.

-“Leggings are pants!”

No. no they are not. They are only acceptable as PAJAMAS, during a workout or with a dress thing that comes down to your mid-thigh/knee area. End of story. End of discussion. No negotiations. I don’t want to see your whale ass. I don’t subject you to that kind of torture, please be nice enough and do the same for me.

 

-“Twilight is SUCH a good book!”

No. just… No. *throws said book at their face* huh… I guess it was good for something…
 

-“You cant have your cake and eat it too..”

WHY THE FUCK NOT? Why else would I want cake, aside from EATING IT? Have you SEEN me? Of course im going to EAT it. Moron.
 

-“I cant get into walking dead”

What is there to not get into? ONE SENTENCE. Daryl Dixion has a crossbow and rides a motorcycle. DONE. (also, there are zombies)

oh my god he is so damn yummy........ drools....... wait... what was I talking about....??

oh. right. ranting. sorry.


-"So... he's your HALF brother?"

No. No he is not. maybe technically, yes. but I have never considered him as such. He is my BIG brother. Mean, overprotective and one of my best friends.


-"What is a BEEF?"

Only the best group of friends in the entire world. Duh. B.E.E.F =BEST EFFING EMAZING FRIENDS. don't know why you couldn't figure it out.

-"Let me ax you ..."

I am sorry... you want to axe me? whyever for? what did I do to you? Ohhh... you would like to ASK me a question. asK. ahh. sorry... yes, what is it?


:)