Chuck-e-cheese: the 7th circle of hell

fuck you you sadistic mouse bastard

 

It never fails. I ask Jordan where she wants to go for supper and it’s always “CHUCK E CHEESE!”

And then it’s the WHINING…

BUT YOU NEVERRRRRR TAKE MEEEEEE!

And then I just want to punch her, never mind take her anywhere to eat

But sometimes

When I’m delusional and have had entirely too much wine, and am feeling like being a good mom…

We go.

 

And it’s always horrible

Without fail. Chuck E Cheese is the worst place in the WORLD. Maybe even more than that. I would even go so far as to say its HELL. It’s worse than hell… it’s the 7^TH CIRCLE OF HELL.

Dante was actually writing about Chuck E Cheese...

 

 

First of all we have to search for a coupon. Because fuck you I’m not paying retail for somewhere I hate with the fiery passion of 1000 suns. Once found, said coupon has to be printed, and then kept track of until doomsday.

 

Then we have to actually GO. This is the worst part. I try to avoid it. I bribe her with other things. ANYTHING else. A new toy, a new dress. Somewhere else to eat. ALL OF THE ABOVE. Nada. FUCK MY LIFE.

 

They stamp you so someone doesn’t steal your kid. This is how fucked up this place is. You actually have to worry about someone stealing your kid! That in itself is enough of a reason for me NOT to go.

 

It smells horrible. There is NO alcohol (at the one here. Wisconsin knew how to do it, give the parents alcohol and keep them happy. AND WHY THE FUCK are you looking at me like I’m crazy when I ask if you have beer? THE ONE IN WISCONSIN HAS BEER! Fuckers. EVEN PETE was like WTF Casey… no they don’t have beer… PETE! Of all people, judging me for asking for beer! Grrrr….)

 

So by now we have just gotten in the door and I’m already to kill EVERYONE.

 

I have to go order pizza, and drinks.

Naturally Jordan doesn’t want pizza, she wants some random ass salad bar or some shit and HELL NO YOU ARE HAVING PIZZA.

She keeps nagging.

BUT MOOOMMMMM I REALLY WANT A SALAD

 

What the HELL? She always wants PIZZA. we go to PIZZA and she wants a damn salad...

The lady looks at me like… do you want to add a salad?

Me “no. she will have pizza”

“MOMMYYYYYY I DON’T LIIIIIKEEEE PIZZA”

High school dropout behind the counter with an unnatural amount of acne: “you know, the salad is only $37 (perhaps a slight exaggeration)”

Me: “she will have pizza”

“BUT MOMMMMMMMMMMMM I REALLY DON’T LIKE PIZZA! I HATE PIZZA”

Fucking lies. She loves pizza.

I’m trying to pay, but the acne ridden moron behind the counter refuses to give me my total, as she is still waiting for me to get my kid a salad.

“Can I get the check?”

“MOMMY PLEASE!!” As she starts to cry and slumps down on the floor.

Acne girl is glaring at me like I’m a bad mom.

Jordan is on the floor crying.

Pete is hiding like he doesn’t know me.

My phone starts to ring

The woman behind me is making snide comments.

Acne is still staring, Jordan is still screaming, Pete is still hiding…. And there is no ALCOHOL!

The room starts to spin….

 

I SNAP.

 

“WE WILL LEAVE RIGHT NOW IF YOU DO NOT KNOCK IT OFF. I AM SO SERIOUS. YOU HAVE NAGGED ME FOR MONTHS AND FINALLY I BROUGHT YOU TO THIS GOD AWFUL PLACE. YOU KNOW I HATE IT HERE. NOW, UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO BEAT YOUR ASS, YOU WILL KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

The entire counter goes quiet.

MAY I PLEASE HAVE MY BILL? I snap at acne girl.  She trembles as she hands It to me.

THANK YOU. I storm off to find a clean table, hopefully secluded from everyone else because FUCK EVERYONE ELSE.

 

We sit, I give Jordan and Pete tokens and they go off to play. I wander around and play a game here or there, but between helping Jordan play ski ball (she does NOT get it, ends up hitting me in the hand and leg with those damn things) basketball (I play, she watches, she gets the tickets) and trying to find her every 30 seconds when she wanders off, it is not a fun time.

 

Mom! Come play basketball with me!

“ok” I think “I like basketball! This might be fun!”

WRONG.

Jordan wants me to play for her, but she also has a FIT every time I miss a shot.

Why am I missing shots? You might ask…

BECAUSE Jordan needed to SEE and so she is sitting on my knee against the game and I am trying to shoot around her while still holding her up at the same time.

AND SHE KEEPS BLOCKING THE BALLS COMING BACK AND I HAVE TO WAIT AND IM ONLY AT LIKE 16 AND I SHOULD BE AT LIKE 40!!

We finally get two tickets. I tell her to stay right there while I wrestle to get them out. I turn to ask her what she wants to do now and…

No kid.

“Ok” I think “I’m gunna have to beat that kid after all, once I find her.”

I wander around looking for her.

Nada.

I check our table. The pizza is there, but no Jordan.

I check with Pete.

Nope.

I check the bathrooms.

I find a kid crying for its mom, but it’s not mine.

Now I’m getting frantic. I CAN NOT FIND MY DAUGHTER…..

I’m starting to freak out when

I SPOT HER SHOES

On the rack by the jungle gym.

There she is, up at the top.

But wait. She’s… crying? Why is she crying?

I see the culprit… two boys, who appear to be about nine years old will not let her use the slide. They are poking her, HITTING HER and won’t let her go anywhere.

I try to yell at them and they are ignoring me.

Jordan sees me and yells (between sobs) “MOMMY HELP!”

 

Shit just got real. YOU DO NOT MAKE MY CHILD CRY AND THEN IGNORE ME!

 OH HELL NO.

 

Now, a little insight about me before we go on.

I am not a small person. I’m over six feet tall, and NOT what you would call skinny.

 

I head in. to the jungle gym. I only get stuck about 20 times, the little kids in there are looking scared as they come across my path. It’s like a rhino trying to navigate a china shop.

I FINALLY make it to the top and come face to face with a very surprised little boy.

“WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?” I ask him. and by ask I mean BELLOW.

He doesn’t answer. Which, to be fair, doesn’t really matter as I am past the point of listening to him.

Jordan sees me. “MOMMY!” and she crawls over to me.

Now the little boys look scared

I go OFF

“What the HELL is wrong with you? First of all you are entirely too BIG to be up here in the first place! And where do you get off bullying a little girl? You are twice her size! How would you like it if I was picking on you?!”

They gape at me.

“If I was your mother you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week. Get down RIGHT NOW and we are going to find your PARENTS!!”

One tries to protest

“I do NOT WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU. GET DOWN NOW!”

 

We get down. We find his parents. They appear to be younger than I am, with 4 other kids in tow. The mom is hugely pregnant.

I inform her of what happens to which she replies

“Oh, kids will be kids!” and laughs it off. The kids grin and take off, back to torture some small child I’m sure.

Jordan is now cowering behind my leg. She knows what’s coming, and doesn’t envy the woman one bit.

 

“Do you know what’s wrong with the world? You. Fucktards like YOU. You bring your HORRIBLE children out to a family place and then REFUSE to watch them. Guess what, you are responsible for making sure they don’t grow up to be a complete DRAIN to society. Do you want them to end up working at McDonalds? Do you want them to know that they don’t have to answer for their actions? You allow your kids to be ass hats and don’t BEAT THEIR ASSES. If those were my kids they wouldn’t be able to sit down for a month! If you keep up like that they are going to end up in welfare or in jail!!”

 

She stammers “well, it’s kinda hard when we have six kids…”

“AND WHO THE FUCKS FAULT IS THAT? Not mine… If you can’t contain them, maybe you shouldn’t be having them!”

And with that I storm off.

 

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful after that. We ate, we left.

 

Fuck chuck e cheese.