And this is why i will still be fat in 2016

So. Its that time of year… RESOLUTION TIME!

Ie: saying you are going to do something to improve yourself and then…. Not.

I was giving some thought to what my resolution would be this year…

Drink less? Smoke less? Be a nicer person in general? Clean up my vocabulary? FUCK THAT. Get me a beer and a smoke you worthless POS.

I digress.

What are some resolutions that I can actually keep? I don’t want to make another one this year that WE ALL know isn’t really going to happen…. I'm not even going to pretend that i'm going to go on a diet. HAVE YOU SEEN ME? I like food WAAAAY too much. Psh.

After much thought and introspection… I present to you……

 

My 10 New Year’s Resolutions!!

(Drum roll, please)

1. I will exercise until I absolutely cannot do it anymore

 Which is usually about 3 and a half minutes.

Or if I don’t have anyone to watch Jordan.

Or if I can’t afford to go to the gym. Or if it’s raining, snowing, foggy, too hot, too cold and/or humid.

Also if it’s too dry.

 

2. I will not smoke as much.

 I will also not smoke as less. I will smoke the exact same amount as I now smoke. But perhaps make a conscious effort for the first week or so of 2015 to reduce my nicotine intake.

3. I will take a trip.

At least 20 miles from home. Ha. I’ll drive from Raeford to the far side of Fayetteville.

4. I will walk more by parking far from wherever I am going

 Unless it is cold, raining, I am in a hurry, have Jordan with me, I am carrying things, wearing uncomfortable shoes, have to pee or just plain don’t feel like it....

 

5. I will drink more water.

There is water in coffee and wine… Also in diet coke, Captain Morgan and Red Bull…

 

6. I will keep my house cleaner.

At least parts that can be seen from the road. And when I have company coming over…

 

7. I will lose 10 pounds.

 I may have to cut my hair, shave my legs and get a new scale…

 

8. I will learn to speak a different language

Cockney  is my new language of choice. ‘Ello Luv! ‘ows about yew give me a lady godiva so me’s and my china plate can go get Brahms and Liszt, Wot say yew? (Poor Pete…)

 

9. I will learn a new song to sing.

Loudly in the shower. Hahaha pete is DOOMED

 

10. I will eat foods that are better for me.

Mainly wine and chocolate.

WHAT? Wine and chocolate are good for you!

See attached link that doesn’t actually go anywhere about the health benefits of wine, chocolate and wendys.

www.bullshitlinkaboutwineandwendys.com

5. I will drink more water – as long as cofffee counts
6. I will keep my house clean – at least the parts that people can see from the road.
7. I will lose 10 lbs – I might have to cut my hair, shave my legs and get a new scale.
8. I will learn to say hello in 3 languages, including English.
9. I will learn the words to one song and sing it in the shower, loud.
10. I will eat foods that are better for me. mainly wine and chocolate.
5. I will drink more water – as long as cofffee counts
6. I will keep my house clean – at least the parts that people can see from the road.
7. I will lose 10 lbs – I might have to cut my hair, shave my legs and get a new scale.
8. I will learn to say hello in 3 languages, including English.
9. I will learn the words to one song and sing it in the shower, loud.
10. I will eat foods that are better for me. mainly wine and chocolate.

11. Refinance my Car!

Haha. Ok ok, I already did this one… but it was on DEC 31, still counts. And I can actually say I did this one!

Can I also say I LOVE SECU???? Hot damn! I saved almost $4000! (thank you pete! Xoxo)

 

12. I will be a kinder, more patient Mother

 

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... I couldn't even TYPE that with a straight face....